After 16 years....

This is going to be short because I'm still trying to digest the possibility. I needed to say something to someone and really right now you guys are my only option.

My mom is away on the coast of British Columbia floating down the ocean in a kayak with the whales.

She has been gone since Friday.

My step sister G casually mentioned to me today that there was a big fight before she left and that my stepdad has been packing his stuff preparing to leave.

So I called my step dad today to touch base, my mom is gone for the week and he's home with two teenage girls and his sick mother. I figured I'd better check in and make sure they are all eating.

Well I wasn't prepared for it but he broke down on the phone. He's basically desperate enough at this point with the outcome of their relationship that of all people he started pouring his heart out to me. All his fears, his concerns, and his failed attempts to fix the sinking ship that is their relationship.

It doesn't look good. I don't known her story and I never will I'm sure because my mom won't talk about any of those things. But from what he's said and what I know about my mom it sounds like she's given up and if it ends it's her doing.

I'm sitting her numb. Thinking about my family breaking up. I've been through this before 17 years ago but somehow I think this feeling is worse as an adult. Here I am happily planning my next year with my baby and there's a very good chance this baby won't get to be a part of these people's lives.

I'm devastated right now.

Waiting in limbo.

Long weekend recap

Long weekends. Love them. Despite the fact that recently our long weekends seem to be booked solid with events. No resting and relaxation for us. This one was no exception.

This Saturday MOH married hubby's cousin :) it was a beautiful day lots of smiles and love all around.

The celebrations began Thursday with the redecorating of the hall, followed by more decorating Friday, manicures and pedicures for the ladies while the men were golfing. Rehearsal was Friday evening followed by food and drinks at Hubby's aunt and uncles house.

Saturday was busy! Hair and makeup bright and early! Btw I don't wear much makeup and am kicking myself for not getting a good pic of how amazing my face looked! Seriously! I've never had makeup done that good before! It was supposed to rain but the sun was hot all day. We had so much fun.

Hubby had informed me that people were congratulating him at the church... Which is odd because we had not announced anything worth congratulating. At the hall the same happened to me. It became obvious we had a leak. We didn't want to be a distraction during someone else's wedding. Family didn't see it that way as Hubby's uncle (father of the groom) announced our pregnancy for us during his speech!!! I was soo embarrassed. Relieved it was out there since 90% of the family appeared to already know but still embarrassed. Apparently those who hadn't heard were already wondering because I am showing and am usually quite thin. When I gain 5 pounds it is noticable. They noticed.

So our announcement was made a day earlier than planned. Not too sure yet how MOH felt about that... Everyone else felt it was another reason to celebrate... She has been funny with all the wedding stress anyway so I've had a difficult time figuring her out lately.

I have a few fun pictures to share but I'll do that in a day or so. My mother in law is here visiting for the week.

Hope everyone had a great weekend :)

I'm quickly becoming the worst blogger ever!

I'm awful lazy these days.
I think about blogging, but then I never actually do it.
Not that I have all sorts of exciting things going on but I'm sure there's something I could tell you about.

So today I'm blogging.

Recap of the past few weeks. Work, work and more work. Yup that sums it up. Not exciting.
I did have an interview for a new job, fingers crossed that works out. I didn't tell them I was pregnant, I figure I'll mention it after the offer me the job.

We had that birthday BBQ for hubby. Low key fun with the cousins.

Our neighbours are almost ready to move so we have now inherited a fence which Hubby put together last week as well as a dishwasher. Two major scores there. Crappy about them leaving though, they were the only neighbours we actually talk to regularly.

MOH's bachlorette Party was this past Saturday. It was just a simple girls night with booze, and dirty games and prizes. Out of the guests there were 3  heavy drinkers, 1 casual drinker, 3 non drinkers and 1 fake drinker (me). I pulled off the fake drinking really well no one suspected anything, I did have a little help from girl cousin. I had to confide in her about the pregnancy cause I needed help then and will again this Saturday for the wedding.

Sunday Hubby and I traveled to Toronto to the amphitheater to see Incubus in concert. Great show, always is, and no this isn't our first time going to see them. Incubus was Hubby's favourite band when I met him and I at the time hated them by association to someone I highly disliked. But I caved and started actually listening to them and instantly was hooked. I even agreed to dance to an Incubus song as our first dance at the wedding. 

Monday had some exciting news for a few people. Girl cousin had her ultrasound and found out she is having a girl and a boy :) which brings the 2012 baby count up to 2 boys and 1 girl. Maybe we can add another girl with ours and round out the numbers. Hubby thinks we're having a girl.

Monday was also exciting for us. More me than Hubby unfortunatly since he was not able to get out of work... :( but my mom came to town and accompanied me to my ultrasound. And there on the screen was our little 12w1d baby all shaped like a baby! Heart thumping away at 166 beats per minute. I feel so relieved. We will be telling the rest of the family after the wedding this weekend and then the rest of the world shortly after that.

And on that note I will leave you for now with a picture. I have to go get ready cause I'm meeting a friend at 10.

ultrasound @ 12 weeks

little bump forming @ 11weeks

I'm sick :(

I hope everyone had a great weekend! :)

We had a little BBQ birthday celebration here for Hubby on Friday night, just a few people, girl cousin, her husband and her two brothers along with their spouses. Of course Hubby and I were there and his brother too. My meat aversion apparently includes the turkey burgers we bought... Luckily we had been snacking all afternoon so I just played it off as being full since none of them "know" about the pregnancy yet (the girls might suspect).

Saturday night I worked again. This week I have worked 5 out of the 6 shifts I was scheduled for, the 6th was supposed to be tonight, but I'm sick.

My head feels like it's triple the size, my nose is stuffed but burning and I have a funny taste in my mouth. Last night while at work I had a fever and kinda felt like I was going to either be sick or pass out. So tonight I stayed home.

I have the next 3 days off but it looks like i'll be spending them in bed :( blah.

Hope everyone had a great weekend. I'm too tired to read blogs so I'll catch up tomorrow.

Long Weekend recap

Happy Fourth of July to my American friends :) Hope you are enjoying your day off today... I have to work... But I also did have Friday off while you were at work ;)  lol
So Friday being that it was Canada day we enjoyed a nice BBQ with swimming (for some, I didn't feel like it) at Hubby's cousin's house. This is one of those second cousins but because they are Italian everyone is just a "cousin" lol. Anyhoo we had a great time, the weather was gorgeous, everyone wore their red and white clothes, we even put on a few patriotic temporary tattoos (one of the little kids had on 8 by the end of the day). The food was great. I BBQ but my BBQ never tastes as good as when other people do it... I must figure out what I am missing ... lol Hubby and I were exhausted by the end of the day. Good sleep was had that night for sure. Oh and there was firework right in our own backyard this year! We opted not to go down to the water (its always crazy busy) and got to watch the neighbors put on their own display (which may or may not have been illegal since I'm pretty sure the bilaw states you need to be 100ft from any houses...)

Oh and Friday I attempted to do my first ever french braid on my bangs... its kind of sad looking but not bad considering ;) It looked cute from a front view... that could just be me ;)

It kinda looks like a braid? Maybe... ? lol

Saturday was kind of a relax at home, do a few chores, work on a few projects kind of day. I'm trying to make a cake topper for MOH's wedding cake... its proving to be a challenging task and I hope she likes it. If she doesn't want to use it I understand too lol. It was during my time working on the cake topper that I got the urge to test and as I've already told you it was positive! I called the doctors office today and I go in tomorrow to confirm :) I'm trying to remain positive and not worry much. Positive thoughts, positive thoughts, positive thoughts*** lol Oh and I did tell Hubby later that afternoon, I waited until he seemed kinda liked he liked me again and then told him I wanted to show him what Id been doing all afternoon. lol. Its funny when he sees the stick, he reacted the same last time too, doesn't say too much. Just sort of looks at it, and looks at me with a slight smile on his face, and a slight twinkle in his eye. It takes him a day or two before he really gets excited, I think its processing time lol. He actually brought it up yesterday, said something about the "what ifs" I think he's trying not to get to excited this time because of last time. Positive thoughts, positive thoughts, positive thoughts***

Of course I'm gonna show you ;) That sucker appeared in less than 10 seconds!

Sunday was HOT!! OMG sweating after a 15 minute walk with the dog at 10:30am kinda hot. I didnt even check the weather channel because I simply did not want to know. After taking the dog out I decided to head over to the mall to pick up my fabulous new shoes that I ordered for MOH's wedding. The air conditioning in the mall felt amazing (it wasn't until yesterday evening we finally turned on our central air). When I got home again I found hubby and the animals all hanging out in the basement to get some relief from the heat, and after being home for about maybe 10 minutes I received a bbm from MOH saying they were at Hubby's Aunt's house swimming in the pool. Yay for pools!! You didn't need to ask us twice we jumped up and quickly changed into out suits and spent the whole afternoon lounging in the pool which was followed by another awesome BBQ. I think its offical, summer is here. Two BBQ's and pool "parties" in 3 days = summer :) Oh and after yesterday Hubby decided it was time to turn the air on. We had been putting it off since we get a good breeze through the house and the basement is cool but we are gonna need it if there's more days like yesterday.

Ta Da! I LOVE them :D !! 

So that's my weekend recap :) I start my new job offically this evening.. kinda nervous about that, and I've got that appointment tomorrow... Positive thoughts, positive thoughts, positive thoughts*** :)

Hope everyone had a good weekend!

I couldn't wait....

So there I was just sitting up in my craft room/spare room and all of a sudden I got up walked to the bathroom and pulled out that little test. It was like a little voice in my head told me it was time. I don't know what came over me, I was quite content with waiting another day. So I did it, I tested..... Hubby doesn't know I even bought a test let alone that I took it, and this morning we had a fight. A stupid fight but a fight none the less. He's still mad at me. Kinda avoiding me actually. As stupid as the fight was it wasn't the kind of fight that could be resolved by me telling him about the test either, in fact it might only prolong the fight. So now I'm stumped, how do I tell him about my BFP!?! :)

Sending good thoughts to everyone in their tww :)

2ww crazies

It's that time; everywhere you look there's something you see referencing pregnancy, symptoms of all sorts make there appearance legit or not. It can make a girl feel crazy. Of course there's all the emotions attached to it as well, you get excited at every twinge only to later want to dig yourself a hole and hide while the storm clouds hang over your head. Why do we do this to ourselves? Why can't we just carry on like it's any other week?

Currently I am waiting to see my fate as the final few days of my 2ww pass. Do I think there's a chance I could be pregnant? Of course, I tell myself this every month. I'm sure I've mentioned before how despite hubby wanting us to just "see what happens" we often end up dancing* during my "fertile time". There's something about that week that makes hubby subconsciously more willing to dance. No complaints from me ;) And since my past few cycles have been a little wonky and made me wonder if I'm even ovulating regularly...so this past cycle I've started a bit of detective work to try and see what's up. I am fairly certain I indeed ovulated, so I guess time will tell. By Sunday at the latest I will have my answer, if AF is going to show her nasty face she could show as early as tomorrow. Of course if she does I will be upset, usually there's a moment of anger in there too, but I will have to remind myself we are not trying. We are not preventing but we are not trying.

But what does that really mean? Sometimes I worry that I won't get pregnant, and then when it's time to actually try it won't happen either...what if I am wasting all this time by "not trying", if there's something wrong doctors make you wait a year before they do anything about it. That's a long time, then add in whatever amount of time we waste by "not trying" ...*sigh*

Another side effect of the 2ww - anxious imagine the worst case anxiety.

I know I am not the only one eagerly waiting for a chance at a rainbow, cousin #2 is on cycle day 28 and most likely holding her breath. The metformin the doctor put her on shortened her cycle to 27days last month, so if we go by that she's a day late. So fingers crossed for for a sticky bfp for her. There's a part of me that not only wants my own bfp but for cousin#2 and I to be able to go thru this together. I want our babies to grow up together and have the type of relationship I didn't get the chance to have with her. In case you don't understand what I mean I only met cousin #2 four years ago. Of course I will be thrilled for her even if I'm not pg she's struggled for three years now.

Blog friends Maria and Diana are also waiting. I've been sending out lots of positive thoughts and prayers for everyone. One thing I find making it easier for me has been counting down the days for these ladies <3

Oh the 2ww crazies... Lol

Doesn't help that hubby is away tonight at a motley crue concert and I'm left here to think about everything without distraction. But at least I get to watch anything I want on tv ;)

Hubby

I have decided I should tell you some things about Hubby, he is a reoccurring person in this blog and kinda a big deal in my life ;)

The first time I saw him I pretty much fell in love; as in he pretty much moved in slow motion as he walked across the parking lot and yard to the res building. Kinda like something from a movie lol. His blue eyes were striking and noticeable from a distance and I had this feeling inside me that made me want/need to know who he was - which I might add was a challenging task. It took him almost four weeks to notice me (sometimes he pretends he noticed me sooner), and took nothing short of me and a friend knocking on his door (after having a few drinks for courage) wearing a low cut v neck shirt and my trusty boobalicious cleavage bra ;) asking him, his roommate and friends how our outfits looked. That night cupids arrow had finally hit him and we've been inseparable ever since.

And no I am not ashamed to say I practically hunted and seduced my husband with a great pushup bra.

He plays music by ear and is good at practically any sport (at least any sport I've seen him play). I love listening to him play his acoustic guitar, it's one of my favourite sounds (acoustic guitar) and I think he is much more talented than he gives himself credit for.

He is a plumber/pipe fitter. No he doesn't let his crack hang out, and he does more than unplug toilets. His job is so much more, and I am so proud of him for finding this path and all he's accomplished. Who woulda knew that the blue eye cutie wearing the backwards ball cap, unbuttoned dress shirt, hoops in his ears (and nipples) would grow up to be such a manly man ;). Personally I think he's the best of both worlds, rugged and manly but cleans up real nice too. oh and during this transformation to becoming a manly man he ditched all the hoops lol.

The leg lift was his idea in this pic and he's proud of it

He's not much of a talker, about feelings that is. But every now and then he opens up, sometimes it's only a sentence, but when he does I know it's something that matters.

He's kinda a fighter, not physically (although I'm sure when he was younger...) but verbally. When he doesn't agree, or something has upset him or made him mad. Sometimes it embarrasses me (road rage), and others I secretly love his passion about things. I get a cheap thrill from our arguments, we kinda are perfect for each other that way, I like to hash it out, yell a little, pick a fight and argue so it seems fitting that I have married someone who will fight with me and love me at the same time.

He chews his nails. A lot. Like seriously a lot. So much that there have been times where his nail beds have been half the size they are supposed to be. It makes me cringe, it's kinda gross, and sometimes plain annoying. But I love him still despite this flaw. I am pleased to add that he recently has been doing an amazing job at not chewing his left hand... Those poor little guys on the right haven't escaped yet.

He does his own laundry.

He is Italian (half) and has a lot of family. I remember the first time I met most of them, it was the day after boxing day and as we pulled up to this big house with all the fancy expensive looking cars and I wondered what I had gotten myself into. I envisioned a scene from some Italian mobsters movie. Well I was close, there were lots of cousins, and aunts and uncles inside that house, lots of food, and lots of wine. It was loud, and kind of crazy compared to my quiet reserved family and I loved it.- Oh and no they are not mobsters lol.

He has two older brothers and a younger sister. His parents are divorced and his father is set to remarry, his future stepmother has children of her own; two sons, and two daughters. So between the two of us that brings our total sibling count to five brothers and eight sisters with two sister in laws.

He puts up with my randomness, and my frequent habit of leaving a task unfinished while I begin a new one, and loves me even when sometimes I might not always be the easiest to love.

He didn't kick me out when I brought home the dog he told me not too.. and I quote his words were "if you get a dog you are outta here, I mean it" - He loves our dog too much ;)

He supported me at a time in my life when my world got completely turned around; when my bio dad reached out and made contact. This was a stressful time for me, which meant a stressful time for us, but he stuck it out and was supportive while being cautiously protective.

He is my soul mate.  Yes I believe in that sorta things <3


"There's something about the look in your eyes
Something I noticed when the light was just right
It reminded me twice that I was alive
And it reminded me that you're so worth the fight.."
Echo - Incubus

I know I'm slightly random at times

I was just looking at my blog and decided that it is a mess. A random mess. I apologize for that but I can partially explain, first of all I am generally on a day to day basis fairly random, the things I do, the things I think, all random. It is one of my qualities that can rub Hubby the wrong way at times, it's also a quality I think keeps things interesting ;)

I feel the need to share this with you so that you do not think I am someone struggling to find a blog identity. I've noticed as I've browsed other blogs a lot seem to focus on a main topic. I started this blog to give myself an outlet, an outlet for all the different emotions and thoughts I have. In-between the difficult stuff I write about the fun things, simply because I do not know if i could even read a blog that only had troubled thoughts. Plus I usually am an optimistic person, I have heard the phrase "your always smiling" many times :)

Last night I saw the movies Bridesmaids with MOH and the rest of the bridal party. It was such a cute movie, and really funny too. There were a few moments in it that hit a little close to home for me (it's supposed to be a comedy), one line in particular was said "This pity party is over" - combined with some of the other dialogue it made me think. I've been feeling pretty low lately and I just can't seem to shake it, I've been holding back about blogging these things but I've decided I am just going to get it over with. Blogging after all has made me feel much better when dealing with other things, for instance the miscarriage. I felt like a weight had been lifted as soon as I wrote about it. I have decided that in an effort to move forward I will try this outlet again and see if it is the missing piece. So maybe not today or tomorrow but very shortly once I figure out a way to get it all out without seeming like a total rant I will.

So thank you in advance

<3

Goodbye May

May is over. Done. Gone. Finished.

I feel like the past 3 months have been a blurr, its been almost 2 months now that I have been unemployed. Crazy thought. My bank account is definitely hurting. If I was still pregnant I would be going on 6 months, thats another crazy thought that I try not to think of but every now and then those crazy dreams come back and I wake up reminded of the loss.

But today is sunny and warm (currently 21'C but according to the weather people it feels like 29') I think there was even a UV warning  :)  and so on a lovely day like today we will have only lovely thoughts.

We had a nice weekend, nothing too eventful. I barely remember Friday but I'm pretty sure we stayed home all day lol (is it normal for someone my age to be that forgetful??).
Saturday we went shopping for my birthday present, no surprise gift here! I had been telling hubby that I wanted a new point and shoot camera for some time now so he took me with him to ensure I got what I wanted. Well scratch that idea, we got there and I all of a sudden became overwhelmed with guilt and panic at the thought of spending over $200 on the camera I had been in love with for so long. After much debate I settled for a very sleek cute looking cheapie that cost only $150 after tax and that I tried to convince myself I would love. We bought it from Blacks and lucky we did because they have a 15 day satisfaction guarantee. If you don't love it you can bring it back and that is exactly what we did yesterday.  I almost did love the cheaper camera but the two problems I could not get past where the fact that it took a micro sd memory card (which is practically unheard of), and when you tried to take a picture it took a very long time to get the shot.

My new camera :)

So my new camera is a Sony Cybershot DSC-W570 and its a pretty violet colour. I love that its tiny and can travel with me everywhere I go in my purse. There have been soo many times that I have been out somewhere and missed an awesome picture of something just because I don't have my big camera on me. I do not have room to carry it around. So next upgrade will be my big camera body :) I will stay in the Cannon family for that one since I have already invested in some pricey lenses. I would even have preferred Cannon for my point and shoot but they really are just too much money for a secondary play time camera.

Saturday evening we went over to Hubby's cousin's house for a nice bbq. Have I given them any blog names yet? I'm going to have to think of something... since the two of them are very reoccurring persons in our daily lives. This is the cousin that is getting married to my Maid of Honor from our wedding.. I suppose she could just be known as MOH... hmmm.. I will have to think of that one. Hubby's cousin has a nickname so it will be even harder to think of a blog name for him.  After dinner they surprised me with a nice little birthday cake. Which was really sweet of them. In previous years we have celebrated in a triple birthday bash for myself, Hubby's brother whose birthday was yesterday and Hubby's cousin whose birthday is today. But with my birthday being the Sunday and Hubby's brother not living in this town anymore we all did our own thing this year.

Sunday (My birthday) we spent a few hours in the afternoon at my pseudo Aunt D's house visiting with her and my uncle and cousin and her family. I mentioned this pesudo family in one of my earlier posts, they pretty much helped raise me since my mom was a young single mother. After a nice visit with them we went over to my moms house and had Chinese food for dinner. I finished off the leftovers today for breakfast :) yumm. While at my moms I finally found out the highly anticipated birthday surprise. If I had of been able to go there back in March for BabyG's birthday I would have known already what it was since it was a shared gift but she was good and didn't tell me. My mom got us front row seats to Cirque du Soleil's Quidam show in Ottawa :) I am super excited!! 

And now I have to go buy some groceries and enjoy the sun!  I'm going to try to leave you with a video of the trailer for the Quidam show (I've watched a few on you tube so far)

Random Thursday thoughts

Today is Thursday and do you know what that means? It means it's the start of the weekend :) Hubby is lucky enough to not work Fridays and with myself not working (well everyday is like the weekend for me ;)) the weekend starts now! (I do not know why I felt the need to have an exclamation point there, it's not that exciting...)

Lol anyways we had ourselves a nice little BBQ tonight, we have been bbqing a lot lately which is nicer than slaving away over the stove. BBQ food just tastes better. I would like to get a BBQ cookbook so I can learn how to cook a few more things, I like variety and switching things up, Hubby not so much. He would be happy with meat and potatoes every night.

My garden continues to grow, I swear everyday things are getting taller and new sprouts are making their appearance. I can't wait to be able to pick something from the garden and eat it :) maybe we can just buy a house in the country and be farmers ;) or not.

I have been trying my bestest to exercise on a daily basis, I'm not very good at it. As in I always forget or I will remember to do it but decide not to. I need some motivation and right now fitting into my clothes that are too tight just is not enough. You would think it would be but nope it's not helping any. I just don't have the willpower to go through with it. I'm thinking of maybe joining a exercise class or something like that. I figure if I join then once in the class I will complete the class... Cause that's another problem I have, I start exercising and give up way too soon. Hubby's uncle owns one of the local gyms so I can get a membership for cheap (if for anything at all), I feel like a workout buddy would be helpful too... I need to find someone. My other thought is something I saw someone else do... I could weigh myself and post my measurements for you all to see. Then continue to post updates for my progress and if you see I'm not following up then give me trouble! I'm seriously considering this one, I'm pretty sure someone I know did that on Facebook last year or so. It would be easier to do it here since you don't know me, no embarrassment.

Thursday is the day the free local newspaper is delivered (the regular one is insanely expensive), I always look forward to the paper because of all the flyers that come with it. I am a flyer junkie. Even when I have no money to spend I love to look at the flyers. I saw something real interesting in the Walmart flyer... So I thought I should share it with you... Seriously? Bathing suits for dogs? Do people really buy those?? I had a good laugh and then seriously considered buying one to make my dog wear for fun, so ya I'm sure someone else is thinking the same thing. Don't worry I'm not gonna buy one lol.

Did you watch American Idol last night? We watched it, we figured we watched every other episode that there was no point in stopping just because one of our favorites didn't make it into the top two. I was holding my breath Tuesday hoping the rumors that Haley was going to have to replace Lauren were true, but no such luck. Out of the two finalists I'm glad Scotty won, even though he kinda bores me. He was after all MiniMe's choice for the win so I decided that as a good big sister I would cheer for him too. They had the show packed full of stars that's for sure, I was pretty impressed. Do they always have that many star performances on the finale?

Oh speaking of shows, I occasionally will watch "The Talk" which has that Julie girl who hosts Big Brother on it. Anyways they were talking about reality shows and kept dropping "Big brother" into the mix. Lol just a little free advertising. It made me excited to think about that starting again soon. I think the start of July? Pretty excited :)

Oh and did you know the dollar store sells ovulation predictor kits? I knew they sold pregnancy tests.. But ovulation kits? If they work I suppose that would be a he'll of a lot cheaper than buying the big name brands. In case your wondering I did not buy any. I thought about it. Technically we are still "not trying", so buying a kit would be more towards trying. I tell ya tho this not trying is pretty stressful, I'm constantly wondering if maybe we "accidentally" conceived again and secretly hoping we did. It's driving me nuts. I didn't temp this month (I did last month cause my body has been so screwy), I'm thinking of doing it again next month tho just to keep tabs on what's happening. I'm still not convinced everything is back to normal, but I can't really do anything cause if I were to tell the doctor she would probably laugh when I tell her were not really trying but it's just a hunch.

And so aside from the fact that my birthday is in 3 days I have nothing else to ramble about. So I will leave you with this picture of our dog stealing a drink out of Hubby's freshly pour glass of water. Haha she is sneaky like that, he sat down to pet her and when he was looking out the window she snuck a sip. Once she did it once he figured why stop her and I decided to take a pic lol.

Have a good weekend everyone :)

Purple is for ...

Epilepsy awareness. March is Epilepsy awareness month and being the life long epileptic that I am I figured I should educated the blog world a little on Epilepsy.

A few basic facts:

- Epilepsy is a Physical condition that from time produces brief disturbances in the normal electrical functions of the brain. It is characterized by sudden brief seizures whose nature and intensity vary from person to person.

- Epilepsy is a disorder not a disease; it is not contagious.

- In Canada an average of 42 people a day learn they have Epilepsy.

- In approximately 50% of cases of childhood Epilepsy, seizures disappear completely.

- In 50-60% of cases the cause of Epilepsy is unknown.

- There are over 40 different kinds of seizures that are all categorized into two main types; primary generalized and partial.

My story:

I had my first seizure while still in the hospital when I was only 2 days old; over the next 7 or 8 years I continued to have less obvious seizures (as discovered in retrospect), these included absence seizures, nocturnal seizures, hallucination seizures as well as others. At some point around the age 7 or 8 I started having the more known now called tonic clonic aka grand mal seizures, the fall down unconscious and shake kind. The first time it happened my mom took me to the hospital and the doctor told her it was because I was constipated, no tests, just gave me a stool softener and sent us on our way. That obviously was not the cause because I had several more over the next couple years and after lots of doctor visits and some tests they finally at age 10 diagnosed me with Epilepsy. It took a few years to get the right meds to control my seizures but by the age 16 I had been seizure free for a year and was being weaned off my meds so that I could get my drivers license and have a chance at a "normal" teenage life. Since then I have had one confirmed seizure which was caused by my appendix swelling, and a couple "coulda been but no ones sure". I'm "seizure free" in my medical records for 11 years. There's a chance I could have them again some day; my seizures originated from both halfs of my brain, and from 3 of the 4 lobes. So technically you could say I have some major Brian damage ;) it's a wonder I'm so smart! My Epilepsy is not a secret, but I provide the information usually on a need to know basis. Simply because I do not like to draw too much attention to myself.

A few myths and fun facts:

MYTH - you can swallow your tongue during a seizure - FACT - it is Physically impossible to swallow your tongue, despite popular belief

MYTH - people with Epilepsy are disabled and can not work - FACT - altho it can be more difficult to train and find work if someone is having active uncontrolled seizures, people with Epilepsy hold jobs in all levels of business. I for example have my nursing license and work in a management position in a nursing home.

Fun Fact - a few more famous people with epilepsy include: Vincent Van Gogh, Charles Dickens, Julius Ceaser, Price, Neil Young, Lewis Carrol and many more.

Fun Fact - Vincent Van Gogh often painted his experiences with epilepsy; one of his most famous is "starry night" which is believed to be his portrayal of a visionary seizure.

Fun Fact - Lewis Carrol, author of Alice in wonderland is thought to have been describing his own temporal lobe seizures throughout the novel. Most specifically when Alice falls through the rabbit hole, Also when Alice experiences her body shrinking and growing this is another seizure phenomen experienced by some epileptics.

I personally have a sentimental attachment to the Alice in Wonderland story, I myself have experienced many of the things described in the novel including what has already been mention in addition to others.

And that is all the educating for today :) time for bed!

My story chapter 3 - my dad is not an Eskimo and does not live in an igloo ;)

August 20, 2007 I receive a message in my facebook inbox saying the following
" Hi there my names ABC, I'm looking for a cousin named XYZ born month, day, year. If this is you could you let me know thanks"

Over the next few hours we establish that I am in fact who she is looking for and that she is my dads cousin. I learn where my dad is and that he has a stepdaughter and two of his own. I also learn about my heritage, apparently there's some Irish in me from my grandmothers side, and my grandfather is six nations.

August 21, 2007 the next cousin makes contact. This one is the daughter of my dads sister. Our conversation lasts for the next five days and she basically tells me anything and everything I could ever want and not want to know about my family.

August 22, 2007 my fathers wife contacts me. I learn more about my sisters and father and we begin a back and forth get to know you conversation that has been ongoing since.

At some point in the next month or so I meet my grandparents via webcam, then my youngest sister (aug 31), then my father, stepmother, other sister and step sister next. I never expected the emotions I would feel seeing these people for the first time on my computer. I think the most emotional was the "meeting" with my grandparents. My Nanny has since passed, I got to meet her once in person. RIP.

May 31, 2008 Hubby and I drive to the Toronto Zoo to meet some of my family for the first time. It is only 2 days after my 24th birthday that I meet my birth father for the first time ever. Along with him was my stepsister, cousin 1(the second one to contact me) and her husband and two kids, cousin 1's mother my aunt, and cousin 2(cousin 1's sister).

October 2008 I met my two half sisters for the first time. I should know the date but it's not coming to me at the moment. Wait correction we arrived to cousin 2s house on Halloween and met my two half sisters for the first time the following day on November 1, 2008.

The rest is all history. I try to keep in touch as much as I can, I really hate that I can't be a bigger part of my sisters lives. I miss them constantly and yet I barely know them. I hope that as they grow up they realize how important they are to me, the truth is I don't know if I would have kept in touch with my family if it wasn't for them. If only they lived closer (it's a 5-6hr drive).

I always wondered who my father was, not because I wanted a "daddy", well maybe when I was younger that was it, but as I grew older all I really wanted was to fill the gap. When I say the gap I mean I really felt like there was a gap inside me. I only knew half of who I was, and I always wondered about the things I didn't know. When I made contact with my family I felt that gap close. I could have walked away after all the information they gave me and felt fine; But with two sisters under the age of 10 knowing I knew about them, I couldn't just walk away. They apparently grew up knowing I existed, the whole family did. Cousin 2 told me that one the wall in our nanny's house all the grandchildrens pictures were hanging in order of age. I apparently was in my proper position right before hers, but my picture never changed (my mom had contact with one of my aunts briefly after my birth and sent a few pictures, the one on the wall was from when I was two years old) I wonder how weird that must have been? Anyways these little girls have known about me their whole lives I cant let them down.

My dad and family came to my wedding (the ones I've met) and I have the pictures to look at to prove it :)I was successful in getting a picture of me, my mom, and my dad. Of all the pictures taken of the night that one is one of the most special. Who woulda thought that would ever happen? I also have pictures of me dancing with one of my sisters and others that are amazing memories. I was truly happy that they agreed to come since it was only the 5th time we'd met (4th for my sisters). I remember thinking that night to myself that "my father and mother are under the same roof, all of my siblings are here together, this is never going to happen again in my life!)

Hopefully there will be many more visits, the girls are getting older now, one of them turns 13 tomorrow :). When they are old enough I would like for them to be able to visit on their own. I guess we will have to see what happens.

My story chapter 2

Ok so far we've covered the core family dynamics. I grew up with my 3 siblings (lil brother, sister 1 & BabyG). My step sisters would alternate their time between their dad and mom's. Lil brother's dad called less and less (months, than years apart). I should note that even while lil brothers dad lived with us he didn't actually parent us per se... Sure he'd take us to our sports events, things like that, but he was in no way a provider or discipline figure. My mom ruled the house; I'm sure it had something to do with the alcohol.

Teenage years were tamer than some but definitely troubled. I was an angry mildly rebellious teen. I say mildly because I know kids way worse than I was, and nothing I ever did truly caused harm. Skipped school, stayed out past curfew, hung out with the type of kids my mom worked with, some she actually knew (moms a social worker). I fought all the time with my parents and was just plain bitchy. Sister 1 and I developed an early feud shortly after she moved in, I think it was caused by two angry kids not adjusting. I had been the only girl, spoiled and special; she had always been the oldest and spoiled in her own right. Our feud continued into my late teens which only escalated the feud between me and her father. I understood right and wrong and all that other jazz, but really didn't care. The world revolved around me and owed me everything.

I was probably 18 when I started to mellow out a bit. Friends were moving forward, going to college and university and I started feeling left out. So the following year I went too. I moved 45 minutes away into the dorm of my college, I think I started in the Law Clerk course but by the end of orientation had switched into Developmental Service Worker. Within those first couple weeks at school I discovered that no one knew me which meant this was my chance to change who I was. We'll with the exception of drinking a lot and becoming more comfortable with strangers nothing much changed. The fact that the entire residence building was like a giant party non stop (didn't matter the time of day) defiantly influenced me in having fun as opposed to the original plan of being mature and responsible. My whole first year was an awesome experience, met lots of great people (including Hubby) but academically a total waste of time. Coincidently amongst the failures this was the year my step dad and I became friends. I think me being out of the house really helped, some people just can't live together.

After my year of fun I took a year off and worked. This was probably a big year for me for personal growth. The real world was a struggle. I didn't move back home, instead opted to stay in my new city with the company of unknown to me at the time but future Hubby. After a year I went back to college again, I had decided I didn't want to struggle my whole life. I took a one year veterinary assistant course and was very successful. After proving myself that year I went back again for another one year course. This was a prep stream full of bio, chem and other courses you needed to get into medical fields. Successful again, I then applied for the following year. Initially my intention had been to move onto vet technician but I had become interested in med lab, and intrigued at the thought of nursing. I figured I would let fate (and my grades) decided my future path and applied for all three. Well fate can be funny and from what I hear you make your own. I got accepted into all three. After much consideration I chose nursing. It was a 2 1/2 year course with promising job opportunities. I haven't looked back on my choice yet, and I have been blessed with awesome opportunities since.

I will explain meeting Hubby on his own post :) I think he deserves it.

Oh and during this time I was contacted by my actual fathers family. I will continue that story in part 3.

My story chapter 1

So I figure that I may as well write a post about myself before I get too carried away and write about everything else happening in my life. Although the thought of not telling does sound appealing; we must leave some things a mystery ;), but maybe the rest will make a little more sense with a little background info.

The Basics:

I am the big sister, oldest of a total of 6 siblings that come from an assortment of parents.

My mother had me at a young age, and raised me with the help of my grandparents, and pseduo Aunt D & Unlce D. There have been plenty others like my actual aunts and uncles who have assisted along the way but the bulk of who I am came from these three primary units. My mother went ahead with her plans to go away (moved approx 5 hrs away) to college and brought me with her. I obviously don't remember the first years of my existence but apparently I spent my time living with my mom and her housemates and being with my grandparents. My pseudo Aunt D was a really a good friend of my moms; she is a couple years older and had children of her own who are cousins to me. Aunt D and her husband (Uncle D) have been a very significant and special part of my life. They may not be blood but they are my family. (Uncle D danced my "father/daughter" dance at my wedding)

My mother got married when I was 3 and a year later I had a lil brother. I remember he was cute and fun as a baby but as children we didn't always get along (our relationship has evolved over the years and I would do anything for him). Life was averagely ok for a while and then by the age of 10 my mother had kicked her husband out. He was a drunk, a loud, reckless, sometimes violent drunk. When I say violent I mean the break the chair and punch holes in the wall kind, to the best of my knowledge he never abused anyone. We played the game of back and forth for a few short years, he would come get us for visits when he wasn't too drunk or feeling sorry for himself. Often he would schedule a visit and then leave two sad, and confused children sitting waiting in the window wondering why daddy didn't come. (at some point after the wedding I started calling him dad and over the years forgot that he wasn't actually mine.

I think I was twelve when my mom sat me down and had the talk with me. She explained he wasn't really my biological father, and that I didn't even call him dad until I was almost five. She explained how she left my actual father before even knowing she was pregnant, and that over the years lost touch with him and his family. I never even met him. I remember her describing him to me; longish dark brown almost black hair (like mine), dark eyes and a mustache and taller than her. She said he lived up north with his family and explained so e of his family was not the nicest people. Me being young and naive determined he must be an Eskimo if he was from the north and so I spent a good chunk of my life thinking this.

Back up a little to the age of 10. The timelines are foggy but somewhere along this time my mom started hanging out with her "friend" who eventually had sleepovers, and then moved in eventually becoming my stepdad (common law no real wedding). My step dad had two young daughters of his own; one was the same age as my brother, the other a young infant. Being that the one daughter (I will have to think of a nickname for her, for now she will be known as sister 1) was the same age as lil brother the two of them fast became a force not to mess with. I often was subjected to their torture of being held down by one and taunted by the other which hardly seems fair since I am the oldest. The youngest of my two stepsisters I mentioned in my last post baby G. She was less than a year old when I met her and she quickly became my favorite sibling.
I absolutely hated my stepdad in the beginning. I'm not sure exactly why, it could have had to do with the fact that in a very short time the man I thought was my father abandoned me, I found out my real father never knew me and this new guy was now around. After many years of hating my stepdad, wishing him dead, and trying to make his life miserable so he would move out (he packed his bags more than once) we are finally at a good place in our relationship. He even gave me away at my wedding which was a huge deal, if you had of asked the kid version of me there was no way that was going to happen. I'm glad I asked him, and glad he agreed. I think it symbolized our relationship and how far we've come. Our relationship probably took a turn for the best when I moved out at age 19 for college.

And since this is very long I will leave it for now and resume part 2 in a few days. Tomorrow is baby G's birthday post. :)