After 16 years....

This is going to be short because I'm still trying to digest the possibility. I needed to say something to someone and really right now you guys are my only option.

My mom is away on the coast of British Columbia floating down the ocean in a kayak with the whales.

She has been gone since Friday.

My step sister G casually mentioned to me today that there was a big fight before she left and that my stepdad has been packing his stuff preparing to leave.

So I called my step dad today to touch base, my mom is gone for the week and he's home with two teenage girls and his sick mother. I figured I'd better check in and make sure they are all eating.

Well I wasn't prepared for it but he broke down on the phone. He's basically desperate enough at this point with the outcome of their relationship that of all people he started pouring his heart out to me. All his fears, his concerns, and his failed attempts to fix the sinking ship that is their relationship.

It doesn't look good. I don't known her story and I never will I'm sure because my mom won't talk about any of those things. But from what he's said and what I know about my mom it sounds like she's given up and if it ends it's her doing.

I'm sitting her numb. Thinking about my family breaking up. I've been through this before 17 years ago but somehow I think this feeling is worse as an adult. Here I am happily planning my next year with my baby and there's a very good chance this baby won't get to be a part of these people's lives.

I'm devastated right now.

Waiting in limbo.

There was a heartbeat!

So the past few days have been stressful to say the least, and I feel like the next eleven will be as well but our moods have shifted and we are feeling more optimistic.

If you recall I posted earlier this week that I was having some spotting, it wasn't red but it was there and I was scared. It continued again Thursday on and off, sometimes I'd go to the bathroom and it would be there, sometimes we'd be all clear. Friday was a great day, clear ALL day! I was so happy, we decided to go out for dinner with MOH and hubby's cousin (her fiancé), dinner was great, everyone was carefree and having a good time. And then we got home and I went the bathroom...

There it was. And it was red. Not bright red but red. I panicked grabbed the keys and told hubby (who had some beers at dinner and was half in the bag) to get in the car. The drive down was a blur. I remember trying to keep my composure so I could drive there without crashing. Waiting in triage I started panicking. Luckily it remained as spotting, no one even looked down there. The doctor did a quick scan on the portable ultrasound machine to make sure it wasn't ectopic, took some blood and since I had stopped spotting at the time sent me home. But told us we needed to come back for an actual ultrasound.

This morning I woke to our phone ringing, in my hazy half awake state I spoke to the ultrasound tech who asked if we could be there at 9am (less than an hour). Oh ya that's right, last night wasn't a dream.. So we hurried back to the hospital, me chugging three tall glasses of water on the way.

So we had an ultrasound, first an abdominal one and then I had my first introduction to the wand ma jiggy (or whatever it was Maria called it lol). Ya that was awkward, Hubby's face was kinda funny when she explained where that was going! She took a bunch of pics, pushed on my stomach, had me hold my breath, all sorts of fun. Hubby told me later that when I was holding my breath she was looking for a heartbeat. Obviously we didn't expect to see one, after all I'm only going on 6 weeks tomorrow and everywhere I've read said that's the week it starts.

After the technician was done and I was getting dressed Hubby was all excited. I didn't get to see the screen but he could, and he was convinced he saw the baby. Horray for baby being in my uterus (we think) next we had to wait for the doctor to come with the results.

We waited just over an hour, which wasn't too bad. We went and got breakfast at the hospitals cafe and it was actually pretty good. Next we were ushered into one of the gyne rooms in emerg (thankfully not the same room that I hemorrhaged in) after a short wait the doctor came, asked how I was feeling, no cramps? No bleeding? Then asked if the tech told us anything....

We just kinda looked at each other and waited for the worst. But to our surprise the doctor had a grin on his face and told us the scan reveled a healthy pregnancy and even a heartbeat! I'm not sure who said what but Hubby and I were so shocked to hear him say heartbeat lol there was a "WHAT" and "ALREADY?" and the doctor chuckled a little.

So currently the little bean has a heartbeat :) I feel so relieved. Were not totally out of the woods yet but we can see thru the trees. They couldn't find any reason for the spotting, but they seemed optimistic everything was looking good. So now we count down to the ultrasound which I am still nervous about but feeling much better. Only eleven more days.

Not feeling to positive :(

I'm going to start by saying I highly dislike my doctor.... She doesn't have a clue...

*warning potentially TMI descriptions used*

My day today started with my 530am (becoming routine) pee, in my half awake state I notice that the toilet paper had a slightly brownish discharge to it (I always look cause I'm paranoid), I was kinda freaked but shrugged it off and went back to sleep.

An hour later I made myself (so I could look) pee again before leaving to take Hubby to work... There it was again....light brown on the toilet paper... I was slightly more panicked but didn't tell Hubby.

After I dropped him off I came home and went back to sleep. I woke around 9:30 and pee'd again...this time all clear. But it didn't help my growing fear...I called the doctors office and told the receptionist (who is the sweetest thing ever) she told me to stay in bed if possible and call her if there's blood. My appointment was at 1:20pm so I spent the morning in bed, pee'd a few more times (still clear) and tried to relax.

At my appointment I pee'd in my cup and noticed a slight tinge on the toilet paper again. Not as noticeable as before but it was there. My doctor (whom I saw for confirmation last week) asked all the same questions as before, as if it was my first time seeing her. When was my last period, is this my first pregnancy, do I have living children etc in-between my answers she flipped thru my chart looking at papers (papers that should have had the info I'm telling her). Then she asks (with a puzzled look) when my last pap was. Duh it should be in my file it was in January when I was pregnant. Then she says she needs to have the results faxed to her so we can determine if I need another? Wtf after the last pap she sat there with the supposed results in her hand and told me all was good. Where did they go?

After about 5 minutes she comes back says the results arrived I don't need one, just one swab to send for cultures and has me do it myself. Wouldnt you know it, there it was on the swab the brownish discharge. To me it looks similar to the discharge right before or right after my period... She just looks at it and says book an appointment in 4 weeks and if I start to bleed go to the hospital.

That's it?!?!

WTF?!?

I haven't been having any "cramping" just a few twinges and a kind of stretching feeling the past few days. So now I just sit and have to wait and see what happens. Great.

I'm trying really really hard to stay positive. Some ppl have actual bleeding and have successful pregnancies... I could be fine.

Today I am 5 weeks and 3 days pregnant.

Oh and yesterday I found out girl cousin is having twins. So ya how's that for salt in the wound....I'm probably gonna skip out of our big brother gathering tomorrow....

I'm not a horrible person

I know that I'm not, but I can't help but feel like one right now... Hubby's girl cousin apparently announced she is pregnant. I was/am devastated, when I found out I was in the middle of orientation for my new job. I wanted to cry but I couldn't, I wanted to puke from all the knots in my stomach. I was angry, and sad, and ... Well I suppose jealous.

I know I will be happy for her at some point...right? I feel bad that I'm not happy now. But I'm not. Not even a little bit. I'm still upset right now, and I'm not even sure how to make this feeling go away. I would be fine if I didn't have to see her for a while, so that way I don't have to try to pretend to be happy.

And since I feel so bad for feeling this way I almost don't even want to post this, because if I post it then it's real. I will have admitted to someone that the truth.

In fact I found out 3 people were pregnant today. But of the 3 girl cousin is the one that makes me mad. The other two only make me sad and jealous.

I don't know what else to even say right now... And so I won't.


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On a separate note I have been MIA the past week with everything that's been going on with hubby's brother, and trying to put into words some things that have been bothering me. I have written 3 blog posts that I will be posting soon. Finding the right words has been difficult.

I did take some time to start redecorating my blog. I can not figure out how to center my header...it's really bothering me, I found two different sets of directions but still no luck.
Any help with that would be appreciated.

I'm not really a horrible person.

V

Quiet Night

Tonight the mood around here is pretty low.
I am doing my best to just stay away from Hubby while trying to be around "just enough".
The reason for this is because one of his older brothers is currently being held at his hometown hospital on the phsychiatry unit. His mom called today (or shall i say texted us, then called)with the news. He was admitted late last night after an intervention held by their dad, mom, and stepmom.
Apparently his depression that has been affecting him since the fall is gettng much worse and turning into violet obsessions. I think this really bothers Hubby, this is his older brother, the best man at our wedding; they generally are pretty close. Hubby requires space when trying to deal with certain situations, if I were to linger around etc it would result in us getting into arguements initiated by him. It's how he deals with tough situations, so I keep a distance while occasionally doing something nice like while refilling my glass of water refil his without talking etc.
When he's ready to talk about it he will, and this way the talking will happen sooner than if I tried to push it or hang around. Basically a cool down time. But this time I also don't know if he will want to talk about it. He has been having a hard time from the start accepting that his brother actually has something wrong with him, that it's not possible to fix it by giving him a stern talking to and ass kicking. He doesn't understand the concept of mental illness. He in a way thinks that his bro is behaving this way for attention. I have mixed feelings about what's actually going on, I feel that while their are definite moments where the behavior seems attention seeking there is also a lot of it that is disturbing. For instance it really disturbs me that he claims to want to hurt random strangers. Apparently they are thinking it's possible he has aggressive OCD or schizophrenia.
How do you help someone deal with the reality of something they don't believe in? I've even tried to explain as a nurse the medical explanation of mental illness, it still doesn't work. Hubby still feels like people allow themselves to be depressed. I don't think he can help it, he's not the only one in his family that feels similar thoughts. There is the mentality of I'm this way and therefore you are too. As in I get sad and deal with it, therefore you should be able to.
I hope someone calls with an update or something soon because right now the atmosphere feels like we are waiting for something to happen.

Dealing with the memories

Last night as I lay in bed trying to sleep I kept thinking about that night. This 

happens every now and then when my mind is quiet. The memories creep back 

in like a bad dream, except it wasn't a dream. What I'm remembering was real. 

It usually starts like little flashbacks that then grow into a steady stream. I try not 

to think too long because the reality of it scares me. 

 The blood - It started that day like a heavy period, this I was expecting. After 

dinner it intensified and while in the washroom realized my pad was almost full. 

I told Hubby it was time to go home. While standing in the doorway waiting for 

him it really started to come - "forget home lets go to the hospital, something’s not

right" when we got to the hospital 25 minutes later there was a puddle on the seat

of the car and my pants were soaked.   

The triage nurse - it was his first night I remember he told me that as he gathered 

all my information. He seemed slightly excited and nervous at the same time. Later 

once in my room he came back to check on me

The parade of nurses - the senior more experienced nurses took over including 

the charge nurse, I forget all their names there were too many. I barely even saw

the nurse who had been assigned to me... she was young, maybe too new to 

handle a situation like mine.

The blood - I remember the feeling of the blood just pouring out, when it first 

started I only felt it when standing, now I was laying flat on my back and it 

was like someone had turned on a facet inside me. The fear it wasn't going to stop

The IV's - There were two, one in my left wrist the other my right inner elbow. 

One failed attempt to put one in had left my left hand bruised and sore. The fluid 

going through them felt like ice cold water in my veins.  

The pain - In the begging it was like period cramps, only much stronger and then 

the contractions started. This was their first plan to stop or at least slow the bleeding,

they gave me a drug called pitocin to make my body go into contractions. The 

contractions felt like intense muscle cramping raging through my whole body. First

it was a dull ache in my lower back, which then spread around my torso to my 

lower abdomen. Eventually I could feel it in my legs, neck and arms.  

My head hurt so badly - my left side of my face and temple like they were going to 

explode, the one nurse didn't seem to know why, I think it was the contractions. 

That didn't exactly make me feel better when she didn't know, now my mind

is running wild with possibilities "what if its a blood clot?" "Am I going to die?" 

The Doctor - "If we can't stop the bleeding were going to have to go to 

the OR" and then "nurse cross her blood type in case we need a transfusion" 

followed by "call gyne we need them now" Nurse: “we already paged a stat call" 

The Gynecologist - She told me we needed to do surgery to stop the bleeding,

"nothing else is working". There were risks involved, and a possibility it wouldn’t

even work. They couldn't find a cause for the hemorrhage so far.  

Being rushed down the corridor to the OR - I've walked those halls many 

times but it was all a blur no idea where I was, it seemed like one giant blur of

a tunnel. All I saw was the flash of the lights overhead and hear the footsteps

they were in a hurry. 

Kissing Hubby goodbye before going thru the giant double doors. I 

was still scared of the pain in my head and part of me worried I would never 

see him again. He looked scared too. 

The anesthetic - they put a mask on my face "breathe deeply" the pressure 

on my throat like someone was pushing down on it. 

Saying "I'm scared my head feels funny" seconds before I was out

Waking up - I could hear before I could see - I think I may have been responding 

to questions "open your eyes" feeling foggy then crying when they told me it was over  
 

We returned home the next morning at around 4am; both of us exhausted, 

me still slightly drugged. I remained in the drugged fog for about another 

48 or so hours before finally feeling like normal again. My body ached for 

days, all of my muscles felt like they had been through an intense workout. 

I could barely walk. 

Eventually I called the people who had known and started the story of what 

happened. 

Still Alive

I sort of stopped blogging for a little bit there... and here I thought I was doing a good job at keeping it up. Things have been fairly crazy lately, lots of things going on, lots of emotions in my head. I am sure I could get a couple good posts out of it all so I wont do a general summary. I do tend to have a lot of time on my hands since I have been laid off.

Yup that's one thing that's happened. Oh I could have wrote some angry emotional posts on that one but I thought it might be better to deal with that in private than hash it out and bash someone to strangers on the internet ;)

I have been sitting at home now for 8 buisness days jobless. Two Fridays ago at approximately 2pmish two of the bosses (director, and assistant director previously posted about) entered my office and read me my termination letter stating my departure was due to things "not working out". I signed for the extra two weeks of severance pay so I got 4 weeks in total pay to tied me over until I can find a job.

I have gone through almost every possible emotion related to this; starting with the inital shock stage, that then turned to anger. I was soo pissed, seriously I bust my ass for that job, worked evenings and weekends from home, put in countless hours, created numerous templates that are in use and working great. No thanks, no good job just surprise we are going to lay you off 2 weeks before your probation period is over just because we can. Eventually I was sad of course that I no longer had what could have been an awesome job at an awesome facility (then I realized how I kept referring to it as could be and not that it was and got over it). Every now and then fear sets in, fear of what I am going to do next, how I am going to be able to afford to contribute to the bills.

My contract was designed in a way that allowed for easy dismissal at any point. Myself knowing how to my job and understanding how awesome I was actually doing didn't consider the fact that I could be sidelined and tossed out so easily. Lesson learned.  When you have someone in a position of power that desires power and feels threatened when someone else does a job well you are not safe. Does it sound like I am blaming this on one particular person? Cause I am, and not because I am scorned and looking to place blame. I would take full responsibility if I had done something wrong and deserved to be let go. But hey if I did would they really offer me more severance or just fire me for doing a bad job? hmm? 

I could go on and on forever because I obviously am still mad about it but I won't. The job hunt has begun and unfortunately there is not much out there... EI here I come...

My story chapter 3 - my dad is not an Eskimo and does not live in an igloo ;)

August 20, 2007 I receive a message in my facebook inbox saying the following
" Hi there my names ABC, I'm looking for a cousin named XYZ born month, day, year. If this is you could you let me know thanks"

Over the next few hours we establish that I am in fact who she is looking for and that she is my dads cousin. I learn where my dad is and that he has a stepdaughter and two of his own. I also learn about my heritage, apparently there's some Irish in me from my grandmothers side, and my grandfather is six nations.

August 21, 2007 the next cousin makes contact. This one is the daughter of my dads sister. Our conversation lasts for the next five days and she basically tells me anything and everything I could ever want and not want to know about my family.

August 22, 2007 my fathers wife contacts me. I learn more about my sisters and father and we begin a back and forth get to know you conversation that has been ongoing since.

At some point in the next month or so I meet my grandparents via webcam, then my youngest sister (aug 31), then my father, stepmother, other sister and step sister next. I never expected the emotions I would feel seeing these people for the first time on my computer. I think the most emotional was the "meeting" with my grandparents. My Nanny has since passed, I got to meet her once in person. RIP.

May 31, 2008 Hubby and I drive to the Toronto Zoo to meet some of my family for the first time. It is only 2 days after my 24th birthday that I meet my birth father for the first time ever. Along with him was my stepsister, cousin 1(the second one to contact me) and her husband and two kids, cousin 1's mother my aunt, and cousin 2(cousin 1's sister).

October 2008 I met my two half sisters for the first time. I should know the date but it's not coming to me at the moment. Wait correction we arrived to cousin 2s house on Halloween and met my two half sisters for the first time the following day on November 1, 2008.

The rest is all history. I try to keep in touch as much as I can, I really hate that I can't be a bigger part of my sisters lives. I miss them constantly and yet I barely know them. I hope that as they grow up they realize how important they are to me, the truth is I don't know if I would have kept in touch with my family if it wasn't for them. If only they lived closer (it's a 5-6hr drive).

I always wondered who my father was, not because I wanted a "daddy", well maybe when I was younger that was it, but as I grew older all I really wanted was to fill the gap. When I say the gap I mean I really felt like there was a gap inside me. I only knew half of who I was, and I always wondered about the things I didn't know. When I made contact with my family I felt that gap close. I could have walked away after all the information they gave me and felt fine; But with two sisters under the age of 10 knowing I knew about them, I couldn't just walk away. They apparently grew up knowing I existed, the whole family did. Cousin 2 told me that one the wall in our nanny's house all the grandchildrens pictures were hanging in order of age. I apparently was in my proper position right before hers, but my picture never changed (my mom had contact with one of my aunts briefly after my birth and sent a few pictures, the one on the wall was from when I was two years old) I wonder how weird that must have been? Anyways these little girls have known about me their whole lives I cant let them down.

My dad and family came to my wedding (the ones I've met) and I have the pictures to look at to prove it :)I was successful in getting a picture of me, my mom, and my dad. Of all the pictures taken of the night that one is one of the most special. Who woulda thought that would ever happen? I also have pictures of me dancing with one of my sisters and others that are amazing memories. I was truly happy that they agreed to come since it was only the 5th time we'd met (4th for my sisters). I remember thinking that night to myself that "my father and mother are under the same roof, all of my siblings are here together, this is never going to happen again in my life!)

Hopefully there will be many more visits, the girls are getting older now, one of them turns 13 tomorrow :). When they are old enough I would like for them to be able to visit on their own. I guess we will have to see what happens.

Here we go...

Well I did it. I created a blog; why you may wonder? The answer to that I'm not totally sure yet. I'm not sure what I will write about, or if anyone will even read it. I may not even tell anyone it exists. We will see if I keep it up since I never have been very good at keeping a journal either. I usually would start to write things down, keep at it fairly good for a few weeks maybe even a month or two then give up. I keep trying though, one of these days I will stick with it. I think that's why I decided to give writing a blog a try. There's been so much going on lately, so many thoughts in my head, it might help to write things down. So speaking of these thoughts I may as well start right now.

Before I start writing my thoughts and dreams reader beware (if you know me outside of blogland)... Just because I post it doesn't mean I want to talk about it. There may be things I post that are just easier to post then speak of. You may wonder how will you know? Well your first hint, if you read something you've never heard me talk about then please don't be the one to bring it up. If its out here on the web for the world to see I will bring it up eventually but somethings take time...

Today was supposed to be an amazing day. I had it marked on the calendar for weeks, a select few already knew why and others were going to find out. It's the hardest thing sometimes to keep a secret, especially one that had been so exciting. I wanted to announce it to the world so everyone could share my happiness, but I knew better than to so that from watching othersand now more than ever am glad I kept my mouth shut. If you haven't caught my drift yet I'm referring to the fact that today was the day we were going to announce to our families that we were expecting. It hadn't been planned, but was an exciting and welcome surprise. And as the days went on it became more and more exciting. As weird as it may sound I even was excited when I started feeling the sickness. I refer to it as that because it never happened in the morning, only after dinner like clock work between 6&7 pm. I didn't need a watch I knew what time it was. 

Unfortunately it was all short lived, the tell tale physical symptoms (I had practically the whole list) only last about 2 weeks which I thought at the time was odd, but those that knew said I should feel lucky. I had my first prenatal appointment at 9 weeks 1 day, and everything appeared well. A few days later (9 weeks 5 days) we went for the ultrasound. I was so excited and nervous I'm surprised I didn't throw up. Excited to see that exciting little image on the screen, but also nervous at the way my body was feeling. Now here's the thing; I felt fine, great in fact. Too great, with everyday my body was feeling more and more normal and in my gut I think I knew what was happening but hoping I was wrong. The image on the screen didn't make me feel any better. Now the technician was unaware but during my nursing consolidation I had spent some time in the ultrasound lab, I had a general idea of what I was supposed to be seeing... And it wasn't there.

The image was too small, it looked like a blob, at almost 10 weeks it should be starting to resemble a baby and it didn't. So maybe the dates were just wrong, it happens to people, apparently it happened to my mom while pregnant with me... I think Hubby truly thought that's what had happened, but it was just one more thing for me to worry about. There was no heart beat either, although the technician and the hospital doctor didn't seem too concerned. This all happened on a Friday, the day my doctor is not working so I had to wait all weekend worrying. 

Come Monday I called my doctor trying to get some sort of relief, she had me come in to review the ultrasound. Inconclusive. WTF? What kind of results was that? Even she said the report was lacking in details, but hope was not lost (in her mind) we could just be a few weeks ahead of ourselves. So she sent me for blood work and the hospital would contact me for a follow up ultrasound. Two days later I had my confirmation. My hormone levels had indeed dropped, we weren't wrong with our dates, the baby had stopped growing. I was utterly devastated. It didn't seem fair, we were so excited, embracing our unplanned surprise and planning the future. Why did this happen to us? Was god punishing us? Did I do something wrong? I had so many questions running through my head all at the same time feelings of sadness and loss. All the answers I got were the same "it's not your fault", "you did nothing wrong", "it wasn't meant to be"... I know chances are it was simply nature’s way of weaning out the weak, developmentally something was wrong and my body recognized this rather than carrying on with the pregnancy. 

It doesn't make it easier though, I think about it almost everyday. My emotions still are uncontrolled; I don't think my hormones have returned back to their normal levels yet. It really hasn't been that long. Some days are good, others are hard. Like today, it was supposed to be a happy exciting day.

I think maybe this blog might be helpful as I grieve, and we will see if it last beyond that. Or if I share it. In a way its nice to just have it all out there, to tell someone. I think talking about it as hard as it can be is actually helpful. And even though my friends and family don't know this blog exists it is published for anyone to see. You never know I may enjoy this writing and keep it up. 

Well for now I think that's enough sharing, it's almost time for bed.