Weekend recap - ultrasound tomorrow

So we successfully made it through the weekend without any scares or concerns horray!
I've come to realize that weekends scare me. My past experiences (the hemhorageing, and scares) were on weekends, so whenever a weekend approaches I automatically start to feel nervous. ESP ically since we were away this past weekend and out of my comfort zone.

But like I said everything went great. Not even any spotting. We had an enjoyable (for the most part) with some moments of relaxation (more me than hubby).

The cottage belonged to Hubby's old college roommate, he's been a good friend of both of ours since then and even was the MC at our wedding. He's the type of guy that could walk into a room of strangers and everyone would treat him like their best friend. Very charismatic. And apparently observant enough to call me out on the fact I was not drinking an hour into the visit. There were only five of us there at this point and we were just sitting on the deck when he looked at me and said " your not drinking?" raises an eye brown and before I get a chance to say anything a huge smile appeared on his face. Lol there was no point in trying to hide it I just smiled back and laughed. Hubby was just coming to sit down as this happened and was confused as to how it came out so fast. hubby and I had already agreed we would tell him anyways but it was funny how fast he pickedup on it.

Throughout the weekend he (the old roommate) would look at me and randomly say "grow a penis" lol. Apparently he's rooting for a boy ;)

The cottage was located on Lake Erie and their actually was some sort of fishing compition going on, hubby didn't enter but decided to spend some time waist deep in the lake trying to catch something. No luck, but their definitely were fish out there, they were kinda taunting him, jumping out of the water or splashing around so we could see them. on the Saturday while Hubby was fishing I looked over at him and realized their was a very faint rainbow in the sky :) it only last a few minutes but I managed to get a picture or two :) Hopefully it's a good sign!

We took some time to visit a few of Hubby's family members since we were less than an hour away, just quick visits for lunch. Enough to avoid the "why didn't you visit" comments later. Hubby's maternal grandfather has Althziemers and has been declining significantly the past six months. When we left I gave him a hug and he quietly in my ear said "it was nice to meet you" :( I'm pretty sure he didn't know who Hubby even was... There is a look that Althziemers and dementia patients get when they "cross over" and are no longer living in the same world we are.... And it saddened me to see that look in his eyes this weekend. When we left I told hubby what I noticed and he admitted he noticed he different look too.

Another thing about Althzhiemers and dementia patients, is that they seem to have a sixth sense when it comes to pregnancies, those patients seem to know, I've seen with my own eyes patients announce secret pregnancies of staff members. This weekend Hubby's grandmother asked us (again) if we were pregnant "yet" ... (I'm not gonna say how much I'm sick of that question), I coyly looked at my belly, looked to my left and right and said "well I don't see any babies around here" and just laughed and smiled. That's when grandfather speaks up and says "of course not that's because it's an angel baby" ... No one else noticed his comment (they tend to ignore weird things he says) but I got goosebumps and a chill down my back. All I could think was please please please let him be talking about the miscarriage earlier this year. Please let my baby be ok... I know that may sound silly to some but like I said I've seen first hand how some of these patients just know.

And so tomorrow is my ultrasound. Duh duh duh. (that's my suspense sound)
I'm calmly nervous, slightly terrified at moments and slightly excited. Despite the good news two weekends ago I still hold an association to ultrasounds. They tell you bad news. I want good news and I'm hoping and praying I get it, but I'm as prepared as I can be if I don't. And so I've got mixed signals, I saw my rainbow, but the comment from Hubbys grandfather is in the back of my head. I have been having some more symptoms, my boobs are feeling heavy and slightly tender (finally! I've been waiting anxiously for this part), and they are pretty vieny. :s lol and I'm pretty sure that the grossness I've been feeling is nausea, it's hard to describe but it's lasting some days all day. I thinkif I talk about it anymore I may just increase the anxiety so I'm gonna stop.

Im gonna head to bed early, maybe read a bit of my book. I've been slacking on blog reading but kinda on purpose until after tomorrow. I have a fee new blogs I started following last week so I'll have to catch up and comment (also slacking) later this week.

Hope everyone had a great weekend :) sorry for such a long post!

Hockey Riots, and Misc thoughts

I know I am late with this one... I coulda and probably shoulda just blogged about it the morning after but I got caught up in a few different things. So because it obviously is late I'm not going to say all the things I originally would have said about the riot that occurred after Vancouver lost the Stanely Cup.

I will say as a Canadian I am appalled by the behaviour that took place. I know many have said that despite wearing hockey jerseys these people were not true fans but instead rowdy drinkers who were looking to cause a scene that night. I agree this is possible since I live in a city thats well known University has become famous for its newsworthy annual homecoming street party, a party that forms facebook groups designed for planning the mischief that is caused (think burning cars etc).  Despite who it was, it was embarrassing to have it discussed on talk shows, gossip blogs and practically every news station and newspaper on this continent (possibly further).

I will also say that this picture amused me... it was one of the first I saw the morning after and has since been noticed by practically everyone. The couple is riding their 15minutes of fame and even providing interviews...
 

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I feel like this past week or so has been busy for me. I'm not sure what it is that has been keeping me busy so it could just be all in my mind. I've been trying to slow down and trying to work through some feelings that I know are poisoning my mind (so to speak). I don't like that I feel like I'm angry so much lately and so I'm trying to focus on me, and all the little things that I enjoy and love. I'm trying to take steps to rebuild relationships that have been suffering these past few months, but to do that I need to also decide which ones should be rebuilt and which ones should be let go (more on that later).

On Wednesday I went to an old friends house. She lives on one of the islands nearby, but used to be my neighbour as a child. We grew apart a bit as we entered high school (different groups of friends combined with her moving as her parents divorced), in the past I would say 5 years we have been talking casual over facebook and since her moving closer to me we have been saying "we need to get together" over and over again. Now we finally have, twice actually in the past two months. It's interesting to me how we can go so long, and grow so far apart to only come back together and be as if we never missed a thing. We talk for HOURS, and not just catching up, we talk about memories, stuff we missed, stuff thats going on now, the conversation just naturally changes and we don't hold anything back. Its really comforting, especially with everything else that's gone on these past few months. 

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Yesterday was fathers day... not really a day that has had much of a significance in my life. It still is not really a day I do too much for, and so yesterday I sent a text message to my step dad, and one to my bio dad wishing a happy fathers day. That's all. No cards this year or special dinners, I'm sure they both were celebrating the day with their daughters and my words were probably just a sweet afterthought added to their day. In the past I have gotten my step dad a card and joined them for dinner, but this year I was also working which I didn't mind.

And so when I got home from work I made Hubby and I a most delicious dinner :) I was quite proud of myself, and proud of hubby for eating most of his lobster tail (when we met he wouldn't eat anything that had lived in water)

My homemade surf and turf dinner - Lobster tails, shrimp, steak, and Caesar salad - yumm :)

I'm not a horrible person

I know that I'm not, but I can't help but feel like one right now... Hubby's girl cousin apparently announced she is pregnant. I was/am devastated, when I found out I was in the middle of orientation for my new job. I wanted to cry but I couldn't, I wanted to puke from all the knots in my stomach. I was angry, and sad, and ... Well I suppose jealous.

I know I will be happy for her at some point...right? I feel bad that I'm not happy now. But I'm not. Not even a little bit. I'm still upset right now, and I'm not even sure how to make this feeling go away. I would be fine if I didn't have to see her for a while, so that way I don't have to try to pretend to be happy.

And since I feel so bad for feeling this way I almost don't even want to post this, because if I post it then it's real. I will have admitted to someone that the truth.

In fact I found out 3 people were pregnant today. But of the 3 girl cousin is the one that makes me mad. The other two only make me sad and jealous.

I don't know what else to even say right now... And so I won't.


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On a separate note I have been MIA the past week with everything that's been going on with hubby's brother, and trying to put into words some things that have been bothering me. I have written 3 blog posts that I will be posting soon. Finding the right words has been difficult.

I did take some time to start redecorating my blog. I can not figure out how to center my header...it's really bothering me, I found two different sets of directions but still no luck.
Any help with that would be appreciated.

I'm not really a horrible person.

V

Quiet Night

Tonight the mood around here is pretty low.
I am doing my best to just stay away from Hubby while trying to be around "just enough".
The reason for this is because one of his older brothers is currently being held at his hometown hospital on the phsychiatry unit. His mom called today (or shall i say texted us, then called)with the news. He was admitted late last night after an intervention held by their dad, mom, and stepmom.
Apparently his depression that has been affecting him since the fall is gettng much worse and turning into violet obsessions. I think this really bothers Hubby, this is his older brother, the best man at our wedding; they generally are pretty close. Hubby requires space when trying to deal with certain situations, if I were to linger around etc it would result in us getting into arguements initiated by him. It's how he deals with tough situations, so I keep a distance while occasionally doing something nice like while refilling my glass of water refil his without talking etc.
When he's ready to talk about it he will, and this way the talking will happen sooner than if I tried to push it or hang around. Basically a cool down time. But this time I also don't know if he will want to talk about it. He has been having a hard time from the start accepting that his brother actually has something wrong with him, that it's not possible to fix it by giving him a stern talking to and ass kicking. He doesn't understand the concept of mental illness. He in a way thinks that his bro is behaving this way for attention. I have mixed feelings about what's actually going on, I feel that while their are definite moments where the behavior seems attention seeking there is also a lot of it that is disturbing. For instance it really disturbs me that he claims to want to hurt random strangers. Apparently they are thinking it's possible he has aggressive OCD or schizophrenia.
How do you help someone deal with the reality of something they don't believe in? I've even tried to explain as a nurse the medical explanation of mental illness, it still doesn't work. Hubby still feels like people allow themselves to be depressed. I don't think he can help it, he's not the only one in his family that feels similar thoughts. There is the mentality of I'm this way and therefore you are too. As in I get sad and deal with it, therefore you should be able to.
I hope someone calls with an update or something soon because right now the atmosphere feels like we are waiting for something to happen.

Has it really been over a week since I last blogged?
I feel like the week has just flown by, yet I am not even sure of what it was I did....hmm... Lets see...

My garden after we planted it :)

Two Fridays ago hubby and I built me a little 4x2 planter box (all I did was drill 2 nails in but that counts) for my first veggie garden. I have spent almost every day checking on it and watering it when it was not raining. I planted some carrots, green onions, green peppers, snow peas, beans, chives, basil and oregano. The snow peas were the first the make an appearance, just this past Friday, only 7 days after planting I noticed 3 little sprouts poking through the soil :) yippee! I was so excited :D  and my excitement totally saved the dogs butt from trouble (the reason I noticed the sprouts was because when I went to let the dog in it became obvious she had tangled her lead around the post beside the garden and thought climbing through the garden was the best way back to the house). Today I went out to water the garden and plant a few flowers and noticed that all but the green peppers were starting to make appearances. Hopefully they keep growing :)


The man shower/ car rally we went to for Hubby's cousin last weekend was a lot of fun. I got a little bummed out when I overheard someone saying they hoped their nausea etc was pregnancy but that quickly passed as we raced around town to complete our tasks. Unfortunately my team did not win but we had fun with friends and family anyways.

Last Monday and Tuesday I had orientation shifts at my old job (the one before the most recent), it was kinda nicety be back there but at the same time made me a little sad to be taking that step backwards in my career. I made it clear to the manager that I was going to keep looking. Working in a retirement home just is not my thing, it's slow, nothing happens, all you do is give pills to people so they don't forget and then they go back to their little mini apartments for the rest of the day. I figure if a psw can take an extra course to do it then it's not for me. So the job search continues. I did get one call back from an actual nursing home, and the words they used in the message make me wonder if the experiences had are what's slowing the job search.... I've been exposed to the management world and even tho it clear in my resume I'm willing to work anything, maybe they think I'm looking for something more...

Oh well, the rest of the week was beautiful weather. It only rained over night or for brief periods and the sun came out a lot. I worked away in the back yard digging up weeds that were starting to cover the stone walk way. I tried to spent as much as I could outside.

Saturday we went over to Hubby's aunts house, which is pretty much the gathering location for family members when in town. This weekend was the annual prosciutto competition for the men and bridal shower for my former maid of honor (she's marrying Hubby's cousin). Family started arriving early in the day so we went over to meet up with them around dinner, just as Hubby's dad, brother and step sister arrived. His brother stayed at our place for the night but most of the others stayed at his Aunts, their house is pretty big I think they've had up to 20 people sleeping over if not more at a time.

Yesterday was the bridal shower. Now to clarify these bridal showers are not like the ones most people are used to. We don't sit around in someone's living room having snacks and playing games, we rent out the Italian club and have a more formal mid afternoon meal. Oh ya in case I haven't mentioned it Hubby's family is Italian. So everyone breaks out their fancy party dresses (or buys new ones) and we eat. The first one I experienced was a little weird for me but now it's normal lol and actually a lot of fun. Everyone just socializes and has a good time. The bride to be sits at the front of the room after her meal and with the help of her bridesmaids in a well thought out strategic operation opens gifts. My job was pre opening wrapping paper and passing the gifts, without the pre open it would take much too long, there were 80 people there. My bridal shower was slightly different at my request. We used the hall but played a few games and had snacks instead of a meal.

So that pretty much wraps up my week! At least highlights the key points. Today we are just taking it easy and enjoying our last day of the extended weekend (I love long holiday weekends).

Weekend Recap

Happy Tuesday :)

I've had a fairly busy past couple of days, which is actually pretty nice since I've been bored out of my mind recently lol.

The weekend started with Friday of course since Hubby gets a 3 day weekend every day. I had a nice lunch at a nearby sushi and teppanyaki restaurant with a friend I haven't seen in a couple months. We laughed tons (both at each others stories and inability to use the chop sticks), and ate tons. It was all you can eat for $12 :) good deal.

Friday evening was spent on bridal duties! This September Hubby and I are both attendants in his cousin's wedding. His cousin's fiance was my maid of honor for our wedding, we've grown pretty close over the years. Her bridal shower is in two weeks so all the ladies got together at Hubby's aunts house and packed the fudge we all made earlier in the week. There was soo much fudge! Eight ladies making at least two batches each, one of the bridesmaids batches didn't turn out. I made three batches and had one of them not form properly.. it still tasted great but we couldn't package it. I made a mint chocolate batch (too sticky), a pink batch (bridal colour) and a chocolate marshmallow batch. :) Not bad considering I've never made fudge before. I didn't get home until after midnight on Friday, we had dinner and drinks and played a few games. It was a lot of fun.

So much fudge!

Saturday was spent cleaning up before I had to drive just over an hour to a friend's wedding reception. She had originally been married in September while still pregnant, it was a very small ceremony with a few close family members only. This weekend she had her official celebration, I think with about 100 or so people. I served as both a guest as well as the official photographer, money was tight and since I take pictures as a hobby and have the editing software I offered my services. I got the chance to see a few friends that I haven't seen in a while, it was a lot of fun. There was a little drama amongst the bridal party lol but fun.

Sunday of course was Mothers Day. Instead of us driving to see my mom at her place and her having to make dinner we offered to take her out. So we went to Montanas. My mom has celiac's disease plus a few other food interferences so Montanas is one of the few places she can actually eat. Luckily they have great food so no one was disappointed. I absolutely love their goat cheese penne. I love goat cheese in general. I think I'm going to try cooking with it, my mom claims its not that hard to do.

All in all it was a great weekend. Tiring, but lots of fun :) This weekend coming up also should have a few fun points with the grooms man shower aka car rally. Until then I will keep trying to be busy hopefully the weather will stay nice that always helps.

Happy Mothers Day

Happy Mothers Day to all the moms, especially my own :)

There is something about my mother that has always scared me (in a good way), I think it is her strength. I've always felt as though I shouldn't mess with her. She is an extremely strong woman; who through the years has faced many challenges and battles and always came out in the end on top.

Teenage pregnancy, college as a single parent, an abusive alcoholic (ex)husband, she found means to provide for her two children as a single parent again, she's raised a child with a Epilepsy and watched over and over as her daughter seized, she's helped raise her two stepdaughters (not an easy task), has taken in her mother in law after many strokes and much much more.

She's a fighter and stands up for what she believes in and for others who are not as strong. She's taken in another teen when there was nowhere else but the streets for this girl to go. She is a Social Worker, has taken years of online courses to gain all those extra fancy letters behind her name, she runs the victim services crisis program and assists the police when responding to trauma, she will show up on your door to break the news about your loved one then stay with you providing comfort and ensure you have the resources to grieve properly, she drives to Montreal once a month so she can take trapeze classes, she's taken classes in dance, fencing and almost every other random hilarious class you could imagine a mother taking, she kayaks, she is a musician and used to play and sing in a band, she is an artist, and a photographer, she is dedicated to her physical fitness and healthy living.

She has a daughter who is a nurse, and a son who got into the only chiropractic school in the province. Two children who would never have made as far as they did in life without her strength to get us through.

She's my mom, my confidant, and when needed she's my friend. Oh and according to my friend last night I quote "your lucky, your moms one real hot old chick!" haha.

Happy Mothers Day!

Grumpy...not sure why

Ugh.. The weekend is practically over which means back to work tomorrow. Is it bad that i dread my job? Our weekend was a little more eventful than usual (we tend to veg on weekends); did nothing Friday night, went for a nice long walk Saturday during the day with the dog, out to a birthday gathering Saturday night, and bridesmaid duties and homemade pizzas on Sunday.

Hubby bailed on me today, sending me alone to his aunts house. I have no problem going over there, they tend to have an open door policy and are always welcoming. They kind of play the role of our local parents since we live away from our own, and the cousins are our age and really good friends. But today I was pretty miffed. He bailed at the last minute, I say were leaving at 12:30 and at 12:25 he says "I don't think I'm going to go, I have lots of laundry to do"...seriously? He was kinda in a grump from the minute he woke up which of course makes me feel grumpy, small living arrangements makes it easy to pass on a bad mood. He still seems kinda grump even after a day to himself so I'm kinda avoiding him still.

I don't even know if he's the real reason I'm grumpy... I woke up fine, feeling like a relaxing Sunday morning and excited for pizza (fave), sure he ticked me off but normally I'm over it by now. I'm finding lately my moods are just not so great, I don't know if it's related to all the drama at work, or delayed emotions from the miscarriage, maybe it's nothing at all. All I know is I am not that fun to be around these days. I'm thinking early bedtime today might be good.

Happy St Pattys Day :)

So I spent the first half of the day totally oblivious that it was St Patricks day! Happy St patties day everyone :) and Happy Birthday to one of most awesome people I know pseudo cousin #1 (her parents helped my mom raise me, really she was just like a big sister).

I'm sure everyone is out drinking green beer and all that fun jazz :) I am spending the night cozied on my couch with Hubby playing angry birds and watching American Idol. Were boring like that but I'm ok with it ;)

My story chapter 3 - my dad is not an Eskimo and does not live in an igloo ;)

August 20, 2007 I receive a message in my facebook inbox saying the following
" Hi there my names ABC, I'm looking for a cousin named XYZ born month, day, year. If this is you could you let me know thanks"

Over the next few hours we establish that I am in fact who she is looking for and that she is my dads cousin. I learn where my dad is and that he has a stepdaughter and two of his own. I also learn about my heritage, apparently there's some Irish in me from my grandmothers side, and my grandfather is six nations.

August 21, 2007 the next cousin makes contact. This one is the daughter of my dads sister. Our conversation lasts for the next five days and she basically tells me anything and everything I could ever want and not want to know about my family.

August 22, 2007 my fathers wife contacts me. I learn more about my sisters and father and we begin a back and forth get to know you conversation that has been ongoing since.

At some point in the next month or so I meet my grandparents via webcam, then my youngest sister (aug 31), then my father, stepmother, other sister and step sister next. I never expected the emotions I would feel seeing these people for the first time on my computer. I think the most emotional was the "meeting" with my grandparents. My Nanny has since passed, I got to meet her once in person. RIP.

May 31, 2008 Hubby and I drive to the Toronto Zoo to meet some of my family for the first time. It is only 2 days after my 24th birthday that I meet my birth father for the first time ever. Along with him was my stepsister, cousin 1(the second one to contact me) and her husband and two kids, cousin 1's mother my aunt, and cousin 2(cousin 1's sister).

October 2008 I met my two half sisters for the first time. I should know the date but it's not coming to me at the moment. Wait correction we arrived to cousin 2s house on Halloween and met my two half sisters for the first time the following day on November 1, 2008.

The rest is all history. I try to keep in touch as much as I can, I really hate that I can't be a bigger part of my sisters lives. I miss them constantly and yet I barely know them. I hope that as they grow up they realize how important they are to me, the truth is I don't know if I would have kept in touch with my family if it wasn't for them. If only they lived closer (it's a 5-6hr drive).

I always wondered who my father was, not because I wanted a "daddy", well maybe when I was younger that was it, but as I grew older all I really wanted was to fill the gap. When I say the gap I mean I really felt like there was a gap inside me. I only knew half of who I was, and I always wondered about the things I didn't know. When I made contact with my family I felt that gap close. I could have walked away after all the information they gave me and felt fine; But with two sisters under the age of 10 knowing I knew about them, I couldn't just walk away. They apparently grew up knowing I existed, the whole family did. Cousin 2 told me that one the wall in our nanny's house all the grandchildrens pictures were hanging in order of age. I apparently was in my proper position right before hers, but my picture never changed (my mom had contact with one of my aunts briefly after my birth and sent a few pictures, the one on the wall was from when I was two years old) I wonder how weird that must have been? Anyways these little girls have known about me their whole lives I cant let them down.

My dad and family came to my wedding (the ones I've met) and I have the pictures to look at to prove it :)I was successful in getting a picture of me, my mom, and my dad. Of all the pictures taken of the night that one is one of the most special. Who woulda thought that would ever happen? I also have pictures of me dancing with one of my sisters and others that are amazing memories. I was truly happy that they agreed to come since it was only the 5th time we'd met (4th for my sisters). I remember thinking that night to myself that "my father and mother are under the same roof, all of my siblings are here together, this is never going to happen again in my life!)

Hopefully there will be many more visits, the girls are getting older now, one of them turns 13 tomorrow :). When they are old enough I would like for them to be able to visit on their own. I guess we will have to see what happens.

My story chapter 2

Ok so far we've covered the core family dynamics. I grew up with my 3 siblings (lil brother, sister 1 & BabyG). My step sisters would alternate their time between their dad and mom's. Lil brother's dad called less and less (months, than years apart). I should note that even while lil brothers dad lived with us he didn't actually parent us per se... Sure he'd take us to our sports events, things like that, but he was in no way a provider or discipline figure. My mom ruled the house; I'm sure it had something to do with the alcohol.

Teenage years were tamer than some but definitely troubled. I was an angry mildly rebellious teen. I say mildly because I know kids way worse than I was, and nothing I ever did truly caused harm. Skipped school, stayed out past curfew, hung out with the type of kids my mom worked with, some she actually knew (moms a social worker). I fought all the time with my parents and was just plain bitchy. Sister 1 and I developed an early feud shortly after she moved in, I think it was caused by two angry kids not adjusting. I had been the only girl, spoiled and special; she had always been the oldest and spoiled in her own right. Our feud continued into my late teens which only escalated the feud between me and her father. I understood right and wrong and all that other jazz, but really didn't care. The world revolved around me and owed me everything.

I was probably 18 when I started to mellow out a bit. Friends were moving forward, going to college and university and I started feeling left out. So the following year I went too. I moved 45 minutes away into the dorm of my college, I think I started in the Law Clerk course but by the end of orientation had switched into Developmental Service Worker. Within those first couple weeks at school I discovered that no one knew me which meant this was my chance to change who I was. We'll with the exception of drinking a lot and becoming more comfortable with strangers nothing much changed. The fact that the entire residence building was like a giant party non stop (didn't matter the time of day) defiantly influenced me in having fun as opposed to the original plan of being mature and responsible. My whole first year was an awesome experience, met lots of great people (including Hubby) but academically a total waste of time. Coincidently amongst the failures this was the year my step dad and I became friends. I think me being out of the house really helped, some people just can't live together.

After my year of fun I took a year off and worked. This was probably a big year for me for personal growth. The real world was a struggle. I didn't move back home, instead opted to stay in my new city with the company of unknown to me at the time but future Hubby. After a year I went back to college again, I had decided I didn't want to struggle my whole life. I took a one year veterinary assistant course and was very successful. After proving myself that year I went back again for another one year course. This was a prep stream full of bio, chem and other courses you needed to get into medical fields. Successful again, I then applied for the following year. Initially my intention had been to move onto vet technician but I had become interested in med lab, and intrigued at the thought of nursing. I figured I would let fate (and my grades) decided my future path and applied for all three. Well fate can be funny and from what I hear you make your own. I got accepted into all three. After much consideration I chose nursing. It was a 2 1/2 year course with promising job opportunities. I haven't looked back on my choice yet, and I have been blessed with awesome opportunities since.

I will explain meeting Hubby on his own post :) I think he deserves it.

Oh and during this time I was contacted by my actual fathers family. I will continue that story in part 3.

My story chapter 1

So I figure that I may as well write a post about myself before I get too carried away and write about everything else happening in my life. Although the thought of not telling does sound appealing; we must leave some things a mystery ;), but maybe the rest will make a little more sense with a little background info.

The Basics:

I am the big sister, oldest of a total of 6 siblings that come from an assortment of parents.

My mother had me at a young age, and raised me with the help of my grandparents, and pseduo Aunt D & Unlce D. There have been plenty others like my actual aunts and uncles who have assisted along the way but the bulk of who I am came from these three primary units. My mother went ahead with her plans to go away (moved approx 5 hrs away) to college and brought me with her. I obviously don't remember the first years of my existence but apparently I spent my time living with my mom and her housemates and being with my grandparents. My pseudo Aunt D was a really a good friend of my moms; she is a couple years older and had children of her own who are cousins to me. Aunt D and her husband (Uncle D) have been a very significant and special part of my life. They may not be blood but they are my family. (Uncle D danced my "father/daughter" dance at my wedding)

My mother got married when I was 3 and a year later I had a lil brother. I remember he was cute and fun as a baby but as children we didn't always get along (our relationship has evolved over the years and I would do anything for him). Life was averagely ok for a while and then by the age of 10 my mother had kicked her husband out. He was a drunk, a loud, reckless, sometimes violent drunk. When I say violent I mean the break the chair and punch holes in the wall kind, to the best of my knowledge he never abused anyone. We played the game of back and forth for a few short years, he would come get us for visits when he wasn't too drunk or feeling sorry for himself. Often he would schedule a visit and then leave two sad, and confused children sitting waiting in the window wondering why daddy didn't come. (at some point after the wedding I started calling him dad and over the years forgot that he wasn't actually mine.

I think I was twelve when my mom sat me down and had the talk with me. She explained he wasn't really my biological father, and that I didn't even call him dad until I was almost five. She explained how she left my actual father before even knowing she was pregnant, and that over the years lost touch with him and his family. I never even met him. I remember her describing him to me; longish dark brown almost black hair (like mine), dark eyes and a mustache and taller than her. She said he lived up north with his family and explained so e of his family was not the nicest people. Me being young and naive determined he must be an Eskimo if he was from the north and so I spent a good chunk of my life thinking this.

Back up a little to the age of 10. The timelines are foggy but somewhere along this time my mom started hanging out with her "friend" who eventually had sleepovers, and then moved in eventually becoming my stepdad (common law no real wedding). My step dad had two young daughters of his own; one was the same age as my brother, the other a young infant. Being that the one daughter (I will have to think of a nickname for her, for now she will be known as sister 1) was the same age as lil brother the two of them fast became a force not to mess with. I often was subjected to their torture of being held down by one and taunted by the other which hardly seems fair since I am the oldest. The youngest of my two stepsisters I mentioned in my last post baby G. She was less than a year old when I met her and she quickly became my favorite sibling.
I absolutely hated my stepdad in the beginning. I'm not sure exactly why, it could have had to do with the fact that in a very short time the man I thought was my father abandoned me, I found out my real father never knew me and this new guy was now around. After many years of hating my stepdad, wishing him dead, and trying to make his life miserable so he would move out (he packed his bags more than once) we are finally at a good place in our relationship. He even gave me away at my wedding which was a huge deal, if you had of asked the kid version of me there was no way that was going to happen. I'm glad I asked him, and glad he agreed. I think it symbolized our relationship and how far we've come. Our relationship probably took a turn for the best when I moved out at age 19 for college.

And since this is very long I will leave it for now and resume part 2 in a few days. Tomorrow is baby G's birthday post. :)