Today has been a good day :)
My ultrasound went much better than last time. I could tell immediately that that the image on the screen was what it was supposed to be. It looked so different last time. The technician was actually the same one as we had before but I doubt she remembered us.
She started doing her measurements right away and telling us exactly what she was doing (which she didn't do last time) And the heart beat was there at 156 :) yay the little beans heart is still thumping away. I feel so relieved.
I got some pictures this time too which was nice, I will scan them later and post them at the end of the week. I think I will do a weekly post (seems to be the trend).
She said I was measuring right on track at 7w3d and confirmed my due date as March 11.
Hubby and I have decided to tell our parents this evening. We were gonna wait to tell his til we see them again in 2 weeks but he wants to tell them now and I'm ok with that.
I'm gonna go nap now cause I slept horribly, and didn't fall asleep til at least 1am! Despite my attempt at an early night lol
Oh and ps there was only 1 little one there ;)
Lilypie Pregnancy tickers
Showing posts with label Emotions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Emotions. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Weekend recap - ultrasound tomorrow
So we successfully made it through the weekend without any scares or concerns horray!
I've come to realize that weekends scare me. My past experiences (the hemhorageing, and scares) were on weekends, so whenever a weekend approaches I automatically start to feel nervous. ESP ically since we were away this past weekend and out of my comfort zone.
But like I said everything went great. Not even any spotting. We had an enjoyable (for the most part) with some moments of relaxation (more me than hubby).
The cottage belonged to Hubby's old college roommate, he's been a good friend of both of ours since then and even was the MC at our wedding. He's the type of guy that could walk into a room of strangers and everyone would treat him like their best friend. Very charismatic. And apparently observant enough to call me out on the fact I was not drinking an hour into the visit. There were only five of us there at this point and we were just sitting on the deck when he looked at me and said " your not drinking?" raises an eye brown and before I get a chance to say anything a huge smile appeared on his face. Lol there was no point in trying to hide it I just smiled back and laughed. Hubby was just coming to sit down as this happened and was confused as to how it came out so fast. hubby and I had already agreed we would tell him anyways but it was funny how fast he pickedup on it.
Throughout the weekend he (the old roommate) would look at me and randomly say "grow a penis" lol. Apparently he's rooting for a boy ;)
The cottage was located on Lake Erie and their actually was some sort of fishing compition going on, hubby didn't enter but decided to spend some time waist deep in the lake trying to catch something. No luck, but their definitely were fish out there, they were kinda taunting him, jumping out of the water or splashing around so we could see them. on the Saturday while Hubby was fishing I looked over at him and realized their was a very faint rainbow in the sky :) it only last a few minutes but I managed to get a picture or two :) Hopefully it's a good sign!
We took some time to visit a few of Hubby's family members since we were less than an hour away, just quick visits for lunch. Enough to avoid the "why didn't you visit" comments later. Hubby's maternal grandfather has Althziemers and has been declining significantly the past six months. When we left I gave him a hug and he quietly in my ear said "it was nice to meet you" :( I'm pretty sure he didn't know who Hubby even was... There is a look that Althziemers and dementia patients get when they "cross over" and are no longer living in the same world we are.... And it saddened me to see that look in his eyes this weekend. When we left I told hubby what I noticed and he admitted he noticed he different look too.
Another thing about Althzhiemers and dementia patients, is that they seem to have a sixth sense when it comes to pregnancies, those patients seem to know, I've seen with my own eyes patients announce secret pregnancies of staff members. This weekend Hubby's grandmother asked us (again) if we were pregnant "yet" ... (I'm not gonna say how much I'm sick of that question), I coyly looked at my belly, looked to my left and right and said "well I don't see any babies around here" and just laughed and smiled. That's when grandfather speaks up and says "of course not that's because it's an angel baby" ... No one else noticed his comment (they tend to ignore weird things he says) but I got goosebumps and a chill down my back. All I could think was please please please let him be talking about the miscarriage earlier this year. Please let my baby be ok... I know that may sound silly to some but like I said I've seen first hand how some of these patients just know.
And so tomorrow is my ultrasound. Duh duh duh. (that's my suspense sound)
I'm calmly nervous, slightly terrified at moments and slightly excited. Despite the good news two weekends ago I still hold an association to ultrasounds. They tell you bad news. I want good news and I'm hoping and praying I get it, but I'm as prepared as I can be if I don't. And so I've got mixed signals, I saw my rainbow, but the comment from Hubbys grandfather is in the back of my head. I have been having some more symptoms, my boobs are feeling heavy and slightly tender (finally! I've been waiting anxiously for this part), and they are pretty vieny. :s lol and I'm pretty sure that the grossness I've been feeling is nausea, it's hard to describe but it's lasting some days all day. I thinkif I talk about it anymore I may just increase the anxiety so I'm gonna stop.
Im gonna head to bed early, maybe read a bit of my book. I've been slacking on blog reading but kinda on purpose until after tomorrow. I have a fee new blogs I started following last week so I'll have to catch up and comment (also slacking) later this week.
Hope everyone had a great weekend :) sorry for such a long post!
I've come to realize that weekends scare me. My past experiences (the hemhorageing, and scares) were on weekends, so whenever a weekend approaches I automatically start to feel nervous. ESP ically since we were away this past weekend and out of my comfort zone.
But like I said everything went great. Not even any spotting. We had an enjoyable (for the most part) with some moments of relaxation (more me than hubby).
The cottage belonged to Hubby's old college roommate, he's been a good friend of both of ours since then and even was the MC at our wedding. He's the type of guy that could walk into a room of strangers and everyone would treat him like their best friend. Very charismatic. And apparently observant enough to call me out on the fact I was not drinking an hour into the visit. There were only five of us there at this point and we were just sitting on the deck when he looked at me and said " your not drinking?" raises an eye brown and before I get a chance to say anything a huge smile appeared on his face. Lol there was no point in trying to hide it I just smiled back and laughed. Hubby was just coming to sit down as this happened and was confused as to how it came out so fast. hubby and I had already agreed we would tell him anyways but it was funny how fast he pickedup on it.
Throughout the weekend he (the old roommate) would look at me and randomly say "grow a penis" lol. Apparently he's rooting for a boy ;)
The cottage was located on Lake Erie and their actually was some sort of fishing compition going on, hubby didn't enter but decided to spend some time waist deep in the lake trying to catch something. No luck, but their definitely were fish out there, they were kinda taunting him, jumping out of the water or splashing around so we could see them. on the Saturday while Hubby was fishing I looked over at him and realized their was a very faint rainbow in the sky :) it only last a few minutes but I managed to get a picture or two :) Hopefully it's a good sign!
We took some time to visit a few of Hubby's family members since we were less than an hour away, just quick visits for lunch. Enough to avoid the "why didn't you visit" comments later. Hubby's maternal grandfather has Althziemers and has been declining significantly the past six months. When we left I gave him a hug and he quietly in my ear said "it was nice to meet you" :( I'm pretty sure he didn't know who Hubby even was... There is a look that Althziemers and dementia patients get when they "cross over" and are no longer living in the same world we are.... And it saddened me to see that look in his eyes this weekend. When we left I told hubby what I noticed and he admitted he noticed he different look too.
Another thing about Althzhiemers and dementia patients, is that they seem to have a sixth sense when it comes to pregnancies, those patients seem to know, I've seen with my own eyes patients announce secret pregnancies of staff members. This weekend Hubby's grandmother asked us (again) if we were pregnant "yet" ... (I'm not gonna say how much I'm sick of that question), I coyly looked at my belly, looked to my left and right and said "well I don't see any babies around here" and just laughed and smiled. That's when grandfather speaks up and says "of course not that's because it's an angel baby" ... No one else noticed his comment (they tend to ignore weird things he says) but I got goosebumps and a chill down my back. All I could think was please please please let him be talking about the miscarriage earlier this year. Please let my baby be ok... I know that may sound silly to some but like I said I've seen first hand how some of these patients just know.
And so tomorrow is my ultrasound. Duh duh duh. (that's my suspense sound)
I'm calmly nervous, slightly terrified at moments and slightly excited. Despite the good news two weekends ago I still hold an association to ultrasounds. They tell you bad news. I want good news and I'm hoping and praying I get it, but I'm as prepared as I can be if I don't. And so I've got mixed signals, I saw my rainbow, but the comment from Hubbys grandfather is in the back of my head. I have been having some more symptoms, my boobs are feeling heavy and slightly tender (finally! I've been waiting anxiously for this part), and they are pretty vieny. :s lol and I'm pretty sure that the grossness I've been feeling is nausea, it's hard to describe but it's lasting some days all day. I thinkif I talk about it anymore I may just increase the anxiety so I'm gonna stop.
Im gonna head to bed early, maybe read a bit of my book. I've been slacking on blog reading but kinda on purpose until after tomorrow. I have a fee new blogs I started following last week so I'll have to catch up and comment (also slacking) later this week.
Hope everyone had a great weekend :) sorry for such a long post!
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Holy it's Saturday already!
This week has flown by.
I have a lot of blog reading to catch up on, I tried a few times to get on here but Hubby has been hogging the iPad. Between lack of access (because apparently turning on the actual computer is too much work) and being at work I haven't felt overly ambitious to sign on.
Work is different. Different as in a different role than I'm used to, less responsibility than I'm use to, and more residents that I'm caring for. A lot more. Tuesday evening was straight up hell. I was supposed to be having my second orientation shift but instead was put on the floor with an RN to oversee me because they were so short. Sure put the girl who hasn't passed pills on a med cart and have her give medications to 48 complete strangers, oh and have someone who never passes pills supervise her and call it training. I was dreading going back but Thursday was much better. Different floor, actual orientation and a really helpful and nice nurse training me. I got back this Thursday for one more training shift then I'm on my own next weekend.
Wednesday I went to see my doctor to get the official confirmation on the pregnancy. Of course I pee'd in a cup and she said I was pregnant. That's pretty much it. Sometimes I don't like my doctor and that was one of those days. I felt rushed, she didn't say anything about the miscarriage and didn't ask me if I even had questions or concerns. As she was filling out the req for my blood work I asked her if there was anything I should or shouldn't be doing. Should eat healthy, remain stress free as possible, and take my vitamins. The should not list includes exercise and sex. Good to know, would she have told me if I hadn't asked? I also had her write me a note to excuse me from night shifts at work, I wanted this anyways since it really puts stress on my body but I think now that I'm pregnant it helped. Avoid stress for healthy pregnancy, also avoid stress to reduce risk of epileptic seizures. I had to give the letter to the occupational nurse at work and also reveled to her my pregnancy. I figured I'd better just be upfront now.
I go back to my doctor this coming Wednesday for I think an exam? I also got my ultrasound booked for July 27th. Seems to close but I guess I will be almost 8 weeks at that time, and they think the last one stopped growing around that time. I anticipate that week will be very stressful... I think I'm going to ask for more blood work prior or else I might have a panic attack in the ultrasound waiting room.
Hubby has been pretty nervous, we've actually been having some good conversations are things in general. He's worried about the next few weeks, as well worried about next March and having a baby while he's finishing trade school and preparing to write his exam for his license. Things like how are we going to afford this, what if I get put on bed rest or have to take sick leave, what if he gets laid off in the next few months? I'm also having mixed emotions these days, I'm excited, but I'm terrified.
Tomorrow I will be five weeks pregnant.
Besides the fact that in the evenings my stomach swells in size so much you'd think I was four months pregnant I haven't been having many symptoms. Im still a recent visitor to the bathroom my kidneys must be working in overdrive, my headaches have been gone since last Sunday (after a daily headache for almost a week), there have been one or two occasions of very mild nausea but I think it had more to do with being hungry or from eating.
I want to be more excited. I should be more excited. It doesn't seem fair that this has to be tainted because of fears while other are completely oblivious and having carefree pregnancies.
I have a lot of blog reading to catch up on, I tried a few times to get on here but Hubby has been hogging the iPad. Between lack of access (because apparently turning on the actual computer is too much work) and being at work I haven't felt overly ambitious to sign on.
Work is different. Different as in a different role than I'm used to, less responsibility than I'm use to, and more residents that I'm caring for. A lot more. Tuesday evening was straight up hell. I was supposed to be having my second orientation shift but instead was put on the floor with an RN to oversee me because they were so short. Sure put the girl who hasn't passed pills on a med cart and have her give medications to 48 complete strangers, oh and have someone who never passes pills supervise her and call it training. I was dreading going back but Thursday was much better. Different floor, actual orientation and a really helpful and nice nurse training me. I got back this Thursday for one more training shift then I'm on my own next weekend.
Wednesday I went to see my doctor to get the official confirmation on the pregnancy. Of course I pee'd in a cup and she said I was pregnant. That's pretty much it. Sometimes I don't like my doctor and that was one of those days. I felt rushed, she didn't say anything about the miscarriage and didn't ask me if I even had questions or concerns. As she was filling out the req for my blood work I asked her if there was anything I should or shouldn't be doing. Should eat healthy, remain stress free as possible, and take my vitamins. The should not list includes exercise and sex. Good to know, would she have told me if I hadn't asked? I also had her write me a note to excuse me from night shifts at work, I wanted this anyways since it really puts stress on my body but I think now that I'm pregnant it helped. Avoid stress for healthy pregnancy, also avoid stress to reduce risk of epileptic seizures. I had to give the letter to the occupational nurse at work and also reveled to her my pregnancy. I figured I'd better just be upfront now.
I go back to my doctor this coming Wednesday for I think an exam? I also got my ultrasound booked for July 27th. Seems to close but I guess I will be almost 8 weeks at that time, and they think the last one stopped growing around that time. I anticipate that week will be very stressful... I think I'm going to ask for more blood work prior or else I might have a panic attack in the ultrasound waiting room.
Hubby has been pretty nervous, we've actually been having some good conversations are things in general. He's worried about the next few weeks, as well worried about next March and having a baby while he's finishing trade school and preparing to write his exam for his license. Things like how are we going to afford this, what if I get put on bed rest or have to take sick leave, what if he gets laid off in the next few months? I'm also having mixed emotions these days, I'm excited, but I'm terrified.
Tomorrow I will be five weeks pregnant.
Besides the fact that in the evenings my stomach swells in size so much you'd think I was four months pregnant I haven't been having many symptoms. Im still a recent visitor to the bathroom my kidneys must be working in overdrive, my headaches have been gone since last Sunday (after a daily headache for almost a week), there have been one or two occasions of very mild nausea but I think it had more to do with being hungry or from eating.
I want to be more excited. I should be more excited. It doesn't seem fair that this has to be tainted because of fears while other are completely oblivious and having carefree pregnancies.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
2ww crazies
It's that time; everywhere you look there's something you see referencing pregnancy, symptoms of all sorts make there appearance legit or not. It can make a girl feel crazy. Of course there's all the emotions attached to it as well, you get excited at every twinge only to later want to dig yourself a hole and hide while the storm clouds hang over your head. Why do we do this to ourselves? Why can't we just carry on like it's any other week?
Currently I am waiting to see my fate as the final few days of my 2ww pass. Do I think there's a chance I could be pregnant? Of course, I tell myself this every month. I'm sure I've mentioned before how despite hubby wanting us to just "see what happens" we often end up dancing* during my "fertile time". There's something about that week that makes hubby subconsciously more willing to dance. No complaints from me ;) And since my past few cycles have been a little wonky and made me wonder if I'm even ovulating regularly...so this past cycle I've started a bit of detective work to try and see what's up. I am fairly certain I indeed ovulated, so I guess time will tell. By Sunday at the latest I will have my answer, if AF is going to show her nasty face she could show as early as tomorrow. Of course if she does I will be upset, usually there's a moment of anger in there too, but I will have to remind myself we are not trying. We are not preventing but we are not trying.
But what does that really mean? Sometimes I worry that I won't get pregnant, and then when it's time to actually try it won't happen either...what if I am wasting all this time by "not trying", if there's something wrong doctors make you wait a year before they do anything about it. That's a long time, then add in whatever amount of time we waste by "not trying" ...*sigh*
Another side effect of the 2ww - anxious imagine the worst case anxiety.
I know I am not the only one eagerly waiting for a chance at a rainbow, cousin #2 is on cycle day 28 and most likely holding her breath. The metformin the doctor put her on shortened her cycle to 27days last month, so if we go by that she's a day late. So fingers crossed for for a sticky bfp for her. There's a part of me that not only wants my own bfp but for cousin#2 and I to be able to go thru this together. I want our babies to grow up together and have the type of relationship I didn't get the chance to have with her. In case you don't understand what I mean I only met cousin #2 four years ago. Of course I will be thrilled for her even if I'm not pg she's struggled for three years now.
Blog friends Maria and Diana are also waiting. I've been sending out lots of positive thoughts and prayers for everyone. One thing I find making it easier for me has been counting down the days for these ladies <3
Oh the 2ww crazies... Lol
Doesn't help that hubby is away tonight at a motley crue concert and I'm left here to think about everything without distraction. But at least I get to watch anything I want on tv ;)
Currently I am waiting to see my fate as the final few days of my 2ww pass. Do I think there's a chance I could be pregnant? Of course, I tell myself this every month. I'm sure I've mentioned before how despite hubby wanting us to just "see what happens" we often end up dancing* during my "fertile time". There's something about that week that makes hubby subconsciously more willing to dance. No complaints from me ;) And since my past few cycles have been a little wonky and made me wonder if I'm even ovulating regularly...so this past cycle I've started a bit of detective work to try and see what's up. I am fairly certain I indeed ovulated, so I guess time will tell. By Sunday at the latest I will have my answer, if AF is going to show her nasty face she could show as early as tomorrow. Of course if she does I will be upset, usually there's a moment of anger in there too, but I will have to remind myself we are not trying. We are not preventing but we are not trying.
But what does that really mean? Sometimes I worry that I won't get pregnant, and then when it's time to actually try it won't happen either...what if I am wasting all this time by "not trying", if there's something wrong doctors make you wait a year before they do anything about it. That's a long time, then add in whatever amount of time we waste by "not trying" ...*sigh*
Another side effect of the 2ww - anxious imagine the worst case anxiety.
I know I am not the only one eagerly waiting for a chance at a rainbow, cousin #2 is on cycle day 28 and most likely holding her breath. The metformin the doctor put her on shortened her cycle to 27days last month, so if we go by that she's a day late. So fingers crossed for for a sticky bfp for her. There's a part of me that not only wants my own bfp but for cousin#2 and I to be able to go thru this together. I want our babies to grow up together and have the type of relationship I didn't get the chance to have with her. In case you don't understand what I mean I only met cousin #2 four years ago. Of course I will be thrilled for her even if I'm not pg she's struggled for three years now.
Blog friends Maria and Diana are also waiting. I've been sending out lots of positive thoughts and prayers for everyone. One thing I find making it easier for me has been counting down the days for these ladies <3
Oh the 2ww crazies... Lol
Doesn't help that hubby is away tonight at a motley crue concert and I'm left here to think about everything without distraction. But at least I get to watch anything I want on tv ;)
Monday, June 13, 2011
I'm not a horrible person
I know that I'm not, but I can't help but feel like one right now... Hubby's girl cousin apparently announced she is pregnant. I was/am devastated, when I found out I was in the middle of orientation for my new job. I wanted to cry but I couldn't, I wanted to puke from all the knots in my stomach. I was angry, and sad, and ... Well I suppose jealous.
I know I will be happy for her at some point...right? I feel bad that I'm not happy now. But I'm not. Not even a little bit. I'm still upset right now, and I'm not even sure how to make this feeling go away. I would be fine if I didn't have to see her for a while, so that way I don't have to try to pretend to be happy.
And since I feel so bad for feeling this way I almost don't even want to post this, because if I post it then it's real. I will have admitted to someone that the truth.
In fact I found out 3 people were pregnant today. But of the 3 girl cousin is the one that makes me mad. The other two only make me sad and jealous.
I don't know what else to even say right now... And so I won't.
--------------------------------------------------------------
On a separate note I have been MIA the past week with everything that's been going on with hubby's brother, and trying to put into words some things that have been bothering me. I have written 3 blog posts that I will be posting soon. Finding the right words has been difficult.
I did take some time to start redecorating my blog. I can not figure out how to center my header...it's really bothering me, I found two different sets of directions but still no luck.
Any help with that would be appreciated.
I'm not really a horrible person.
V
I know I will be happy for her at some point...right? I feel bad that I'm not happy now. But I'm not. Not even a little bit. I'm still upset right now, and I'm not even sure how to make this feeling go away. I would be fine if I didn't have to see her for a while, so that way I don't have to try to pretend to be happy.
And since I feel so bad for feeling this way I almost don't even want to post this, because if I post it then it's real. I will have admitted to someone that the truth.
In fact I found out 3 people were pregnant today. But of the 3 girl cousin is the one that makes me mad. The other two only make me sad and jealous.
I don't know what else to even say right now... And so I won't.
--------------------------------------------------------------
On a separate note I have been MIA the past week with everything that's been going on with hubby's brother, and trying to put into words some things that have been bothering me. I have written 3 blog posts that I will be posting soon. Finding the right words has been difficult.
I did take some time to start redecorating my blog. I can not figure out how to center my header...it's really bothering me, I found two different sets of directions but still no luck.
Any help with that would be appreciated.
I'm not really a horrible person.
V
Monday, May 2, 2011
Blah
Before I start I want to say I apologize if I am a downer lately.
I feel like April has just been a shit month. I actually feel like
this year in general has been a roller coaster that bottoms out
real fast and low. I'm bored, all the time. How people manage to stay home and play
housewife is a mystery to me. I can't do it. Well maybe I could if
I had chose to do it, but not like this. I find myself spending the morning sleeping in, I then wake up play
with the dog and eat something (usually toast with peanut butter),
after I've eaten I check the job boards, maybe send out a resume if
there's something there. Then I look around and decide what to
clean that day. Our home isn't that big, there's not a lot to clean
and if I don't clean something that day hubby tends to get crabby
(in his mind if I'm home all day I could at least perfect my
housewife skills) I've found this time off work is really testing my friendships with
"work" friends. Even tho the facility just opened in October I had
worked with a group of the employees at my previous job. Out of
this group I only have really talked too and seen one of these
people. Since when did getting laid off become a contagious illness?
I feel like I've been shunned which only adds insult to injury. Point is I'm bored. And I'm lonely. And I feel like with all this
time on my hands I could and should blog more but don't due to not
wanting to post downer posts each day, also I'm often at a lack or
words, or the urge to blog is at the wrong times. For example right
now I'm writing this post on the notepad on my blackberry and will
post later. I would just do the mobile blogging except my phone is
with koodo and apparently they don't support it.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Still Alive
I sort of stopped blogging for a little bit there... and here I thought I was doing a good job at keeping it up. Things have been fairly crazy lately, lots of things going on, lots of emotions in my head. I am sure I could get a couple good posts out of it all so I wont do a general summary. I do tend to have a lot of time on my hands since I have been laid off.
Yup that's one thing that's happened. Oh I could have wrote some angry emotional posts on that one but I thought it might be better to deal with that in private than hash it out and bash someone to strangers on the internet ;)
I have been sitting at home now for 8 buisness days jobless. Two Fridays ago at approximately 2pmish two of the bosses (director, and assistant director previously posted about) entered my office and read me my termination letter stating my departure was due to things "not working out". I signed for the extra two weeks of severance pay so I got 4 weeks in total pay to tied me over until I can find a job.
I have gone through almost every possible emotion related to this; starting with the inital shock stage, that then turned to anger. I was soo pissed, seriously I bust my ass for that job, worked evenings and weekends from home, put in countless hours, created numerous templates that are in use and working great. No thanks, no good job just surprise we are going to lay you off 2 weeks before your probation period is over just because we can. Eventually I was sad of course that I no longer had what could have been an awesome job at an awesome facility (then I realized how I kept referring to it as could be and not that it was and got over it). Every now and then fear sets in, fear of what I am going to do next, how I am going to be able to afford to contribute to the bills.
My contract was designed in a way that allowed for easy dismissal at any point. Myself knowing how to my job and understanding how awesome I was actually doing didn't consider the fact that I could be sidelined and tossed out so easily. Lesson learned. When you have someone in a position of power that desires power and feels threatened when someone else does a job well you are not safe. Does it sound like I am blaming this on one particular person? Cause I am, and not because I am scorned and looking to place blame. I would take full responsibility if I had done something wrong and deserved to be let go. But hey if I did would they really offer me more severance or just fire me for doing a bad job? hmm?
I could go on and on forever because I obviously am still mad about it but I won't. The job hunt has begun and unfortunately there is not much out there... EI here I come...
Yup that's one thing that's happened. Oh I could have wrote some angry emotional posts on that one but I thought it might be better to deal with that in private than hash it out and bash someone to strangers on the internet ;)
I have been sitting at home now for 8 buisness days jobless. Two Fridays ago at approximately 2pmish two of the bosses (director, and assistant director previously posted about) entered my office and read me my termination letter stating my departure was due to things "not working out". I signed for the extra two weeks of severance pay so I got 4 weeks in total pay to tied me over until I can find a job.
I have gone through almost every possible emotion related to this; starting with the inital shock stage, that then turned to anger. I was soo pissed, seriously I bust my ass for that job, worked evenings and weekends from home, put in countless hours, created numerous templates that are in use and working great. No thanks, no good job just surprise we are going to lay you off 2 weeks before your probation period is over just because we can. Eventually I was sad of course that I no longer had what could have been an awesome job at an awesome facility (then I realized how I kept referring to it as could be and not that it was and got over it). Every now and then fear sets in, fear of what I am going to do next, how I am going to be able to afford to contribute to the bills.
My contract was designed in a way that allowed for easy dismissal at any point. Myself knowing how to my job and understanding how awesome I was actually doing didn't consider the fact that I could be sidelined and tossed out so easily. Lesson learned. When you have someone in a position of power that desires power and feels threatened when someone else does a job well you are not safe. Does it sound like I am blaming this on one particular person? Cause I am, and not because I am scorned and looking to place blame. I would take full responsibility if I had done something wrong and deserved to be let go. But hey if I did would they really offer me more severance or just fire me for doing a bad job? hmm?
I could go on and on forever because I obviously am still mad about it but I won't. The job hunt has begun and unfortunately there is not much out there... EI here I come...
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Grumpy...not sure why
Ugh.. The weekend is practically over which means back to work tomorrow. Is it bad that i dread my job? Our weekend was a little more eventful than usual (we tend to veg on weekends); did nothing Friday night, went for a nice long walk Saturday during the day with the dog, out to a birthday gathering Saturday night, and bridesmaid duties and homemade pizzas on Sunday.
Hubby bailed on me today, sending me alone to his aunts house. I have no problem going over there, they tend to have an open door policy and are always welcoming. They kind of play the role of our local parents since we live away from our own, and the cousins are our age and really good friends. But today I was pretty miffed. He bailed at the last minute, I say were leaving at 12:30 and at 12:25 he says "I don't think I'm going to go, I have lots of laundry to do"...seriously? He was kinda in a grump from the minute he woke up which of course makes me feel grumpy, small living arrangements makes it easy to pass on a bad mood. He still seems kinda grump even after a day to himself so I'm kinda avoiding him still.
I don't even know if he's the real reason I'm grumpy... I woke up fine, feeling like a relaxing Sunday morning and excited for pizza (fave), sure he ticked me off but normally I'm over it by now. I'm finding lately my moods are just not so great, I don't know if it's related to all the drama at work, or delayed emotions from the miscarriage, maybe it's nothing at all. All I know is I am not that fun to be around these days. I'm thinking early bedtime today might be good.
Hubby bailed on me today, sending me alone to his aunts house. I have no problem going over there, they tend to have an open door policy and are always welcoming. They kind of play the role of our local parents since we live away from our own, and the cousins are our age and really good friends. But today I was pretty miffed. He bailed at the last minute, I say were leaving at 12:30 and at 12:25 he says "I don't think I'm going to go, I have lots of laundry to do"...seriously? He was kinda in a grump from the minute he woke up which of course makes me feel grumpy, small living arrangements makes it easy to pass on a bad mood. He still seems kinda grump even after a day to himself so I'm kinda avoiding him still.
I don't even know if he's the real reason I'm grumpy... I woke up fine, feeling like a relaxing Sunday morning and excited for pizza (fave), sure he ticked me off but normally I'm over it by now. I'm finding lately my moods are just not so great, I don't know if it's related to all the drama at work, or delayed emotions from the miscarriage, maybe it's nothing at all. All I know is I am not that fun to be around these days. I'm thinking early bedtime today might be good.
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