Wrong number

Someone called me today (I forget where she said she was from) to wish me congratulations on the arrival of my new baby boy.... ?

The conversation went some thing like this:

Me: hello
Lady: Hi (all cheerful) I'm "name" calling from "wherever"
Me: ummm ok?
Lady: I'm just calling to congratulate and see how things are going with you and your new baby?
Me: ummm you have the wrong number
Lady: is this not 1234567? (my number)
Me: ya that's my number
Lady: so you didn't just have a baby boy?
Me: no I have not just had a baby (getting slightly irritated that she still thinks I'm who she's trying to congratulate)
Lady: have you had a baby recently?
Me: NO. I do not have any children
Lady: oh well I must have the wrong number then.

YOU THINK?? Seriously? Me saying she had the wrong number in the first place should have been the her first clue.

So after having the days I had this week already this is the phone call I get today. Really?
I was nice but seriously irritated and could have done without that call. I guess it coulda been worse, she coulda called yesterday.

I'm not a horrible person

I know that I'm not, but I can't help but feel like one right now... Hubby's girl cousin apparently announced she is pregnant. I was/am devastated, when I found out I was in the middle of orientation for my new job. I wanted to cry but I couldn't, I wanted to puke from all the knots in my stomach. I was angry, and sad, and ... Well I suppose jealous.

I know I will be happy for her at some point...right? I feel bad that I'm not happy now. But I'm not. Not even a little bit. I'm still upset right now, and I'm not even sure how to make this feeling go away. I would be fine if I didn't have to see her for a while, so that way I don't have to try to pretend to be happy.

And since I feel so bad for feeling this way I almost don't even want to post this, because if I post it then it's real. I will have admitted to someone that the truth.

In fact I found out 3 people were pregnant today. But of the 3 girl cousin is the one that makes me mad. The other two only make me sad and jealous.

I don't know what else to even say right now... And so I won't.


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On a separate note I have been MIA the past week with everything that's been going on with hubby's brother, and trying to put into words some things that have been bothering me. I have written 3 blog posts that I will be posting soon. Finding the right words has been difficult.

I did take some time to start redecorating my blog. I can not figure out how to center my header...it's really bothering me, I found two different sets of directions but still no luck.
Any help with that would be appreciated.

I'm not really a horrible person.

V

Quiet Night

Tonight the mood around here is pretty low.
I am doing my best to just stay away from Hubby while trying to be around "just enough".
The reason for this is because one of his older brothers is currently being held at his hometown hospital on the phsychiatry unit. His mom called today (or shall i say texted us, then called)with the news. He was admitted late last night after an intervention held by their dad, mom, and stepmom.
Apparently his depression that has been affecting him since the fall is gettng much worse and turning into violet obsessions. I think this really bothers Hubby, this is his older brother, the best man at our wedding; they generally are pretty close. Hubby requires space when trying to deal with certain situations, if I were to linger around etc it would result in us getting into arguements initiated by him. It's how he deals with tough situations, so I keep a distance while occasionally doing something nice like while refilling my glass of water refil his without talking etc.
When he's ready to talk about it he will, and this way the talking will happen sooner than if I tried to push it or hang around. Basically a cool down time. But this time I also don't know if he will want to talk about it. He has been having a hard time from the start accepting that his brother actually has something wrong with him, that it's not possible to fix it by giving him a stern talking to and ass kicking. He doesn't understand the concept of mental illness. He in a way thinks that his bro is behaving this way for attention. I have mixed feelings about what's actually going on, I feel that while their are definite moments where the behavior seems attention seeking there is also a lot of it that is disturbing. For instance it really disturbs me that he claims to want to hurt random strangers. Apparently they are thinking it's possible he has aggressive OCD or schizophrenia.
How do you help someone deal with the reality of something they don't believe in? I've even tried to explain as a nurse the medical explanation of mental illness, it still doesn't work. Hubby still feels like people allow themselves to be depressed. I don't think he can help it, he's not the only one in his family that feels similar thoughts. There is the mentality of I'm this way and therefore you are too. As in I get sad and deal with it, therefore you should be able to.
I hope someone calls with an update or something soon because right now the atmosphere feels like we are waiting for something to happen.

I know I'm slightly random at times

I was just looking at my blog and decided that it is a mess. A random mess. I apologize for that but I can partially explain, first of all I am generally on a day to day basis fairly random, the things I do, the things I think, all random. It is one of my qualities that can rub Hubby the wrong way at times, it's also a quality I think keeps things interesting ;)

I feel the need to share this with you so that you do not think I am someone struggling to find a blog identity. I've noticed as I've browsed other blogs a lot seem to focus on a main topic. I started this blog to give myself an outlet, an outlet for all the different emotions and thoughts I have. In-between the difficult stuff I write about the fun things, simply because I do not know if i could even read a blog that only had troubled thoughts. Plus I usually am an optimistic person, I have heard the phrase "your always smiling" many times :)

Last night I saw the movies Bridesmaids with MOH and the rest of the bridal party. It was such a cute movie, and really funny too. There were a few moments in it that hit a little close to home for me (it's supposed to be a comedy), one line in particular was said "This pity party is over" - combined with some of the other dialogue it made me think. I've been feeling pretty low lately and I just can't seem to shake it, I've been holding back about blogging these things but I've decided I am just going to get it over with. Blogging after all has made me feel much better when dealing with other things, for instance the miscarriage. I felt like a weight had been lifted as soon as I wrote about it. I have decided that in an effort to move forward I will try this outlet again and see if it is the missing piece. So maybe not today or tomorrow but very shortly once I figure out a way to get it all out without seeming like a total rant I will.

So thank you in advance

<3

Goodbye May

May is over. Done. Gone. Finished.

I feel like the past 3 months have been a blurr, its been almost 2 months now that I have been unemployed. Crazy thought. My bank account is definitely hurting. If I was still pregnant I would be going on 6 months, thats another crazy thought that I try not to think of but every now and then those crazy dreams come back and I wake up reminded of the loss.

But today is sunny and warm (currently 21'C but according to the weather people it feels like 29') I think there was even a UV warning  :)  and so on a lovely day like today we will have only lovely thoughts.

We had a nice weekend, nothing too eventful. I barely remember Friday but I'm pretty sure we stayed home all day lol (is it normal for someone my age to be that forgetful??).
Saturday we went shopping for my birthday present, no surprise gift here! I had been telling hubby that I wanted a new point and shoot camera for some time now so he took me with him to ensure I got what I wanted. Well scratch that idea, we got there and I all of a sudden became overwhelmed with guilt and panic at the thought of spending over $200 on the camera I had been in love with for so long. After much debate I settled for a very sleek cute looking cheapie that cost only $150 after tax and that I tried to convince myself I would love. We bought it from Blacks and lucky we did because they have a 15 day satisfaction guarantee. If you don't love it you can bring it back and that is exactly what we did yesterday.  I almost did love the cheaper camera but the two problems I could not get past where the fact that it took a micro sd memory card (which is practically unheard of), and when you tried to take a picture it took a very long time to get the shot.

My new camera :)

So my new camera is a Sony Cybershot DSC-W570 and its a pretty violet colour. I love that its tiny and can travel with me everywhere I go in my purse. There have been soo many times that I have been out somewhere and missed an awesome picture of something just because I don't have my big camera on me. I do not have room to carry it around. So next upgrade will be my big camera body :) I will stay in the Cannon family for that one since I have already invested in some pricey lenses. I would even have preferred Cannon for my point and shoot but they really are just too much money for a secondary play time camera.

Saturday evening we went over to Hubby's cousin's house for a nice bbq. Have I given them any blog names yet? I'm going to have to think of something... since the two of them are very reoccurring persons in our daily lives. This is the cousin that is getting married to my Maid of Honor from our wedding.. I suppose she could just be known as MOH... hmmm.. I will have to think of that one. Hubby's cousin has a nickname so it will be even harder to think of a blog name for him.  After dinner they surprised me with a nice little birthday cake. Which was really sweet of them. In previous years we have celebrated in a triple birthday bash for myself, Hubby's brother whose birthday was yesterday and Hubby's cousin whose birthday is today. But with my birthday being the Sunday and Hubby's brother not living in this town anymore we all did our own thing this year.

Sunday (My birthday) we spent a few hours in the afternoon at my pseudo Aunt D's house visiting with her and my uncle and cousin and her family. I mentioned this pesudo family in one of my earlier posts, they pretty much helped raise me since my mom was a young single mother. After a nice visit with them we went over to my moms house and had Chinese food for dinner. I finished off the leftovers today for breakfast :) yumm. While at my moms I finally found out the highly anticipated birthday surprise. If I had of been able to go there back in March for BabyG's birthday I would have known already what it was since it was a shared gift but she was good and didn't tell me. My mom got us front row seats to Cirque du Soleil's Quidam show in Ottawa :) I am super excited!! 

And now I have to go buy some groceries and enjoy the sun!  I'm going to try to leave you with a video of the trailer for the Quidam show (I've watched a few on you tube so far)

Random Thursday thoughts

Today is Thursday and do you know what that means? It means it's the start of the weekend :) Hubby is lucky enough to not work Fridays and with myself not working (well everyday is like the weekend for me ;)) the weekend starts now! (I do not know why I felt the need to have an exclamation point there, it's not that exciting...)

Lol anyways we had ourselves a nice little BBQ tonight, we have been bbqing a lot lately which is nicer than slaving away over the stove. BBQ food just tastes better. I would like to get a BBQ cookbook so I can learn how to cook a few more things, I like variety and switching things up, Hubby not so much. He would be happy with meat and potatoes every night.

My garden continues to grow, I swear everyday things are getting taller and new sprouts are making their appearance. I can't wait to be able to pick something from the garden and eat it :) maybe we can just buy a house in the country and be farmers ;) or not.

I have been trying my bestest to exercise on a daily basis, I'm not very good at it. As in I always forget or I will remember to do it but decide not to. I need some motivation and right now fitting into my clothes that are too tight just is not enough. You would think it would be but nope it's not helping any. I just don't have the willpower to go through with it. I'm thinking of maybe joining a exercise class or something like that. I figure if I join then once in the class I will complete the class... Cause that's another problem I have, I start exercising and give up way too soon. Hubby's uncle owns one of the local gyms so I can get a membership for cheap (if for anything at all), I feel like a workout buddy would be helpful too... I need to find someone. My other thought is something I saw someone else do... I could weigh myself and post my measurements for you all to see. Then continue to post updates for my progress and if you see I'm not following up then give me trouble! I'm seriously considering this one, I'm pretty sure someone I know did that on Facebook last year or so. It would be easier to do it here since you don't know me, no embarrassment.

Thursday is the day the free local newspaper is delivered (the regular one is insanely expensive), I always look forward to the paper because of all the flyers that come with it. I am a flyer junkie. Even when I have no money to spend I love to look at the flyers. I saw something real interesting in the Walmart flyer... So I thought I should share it with you... Seriously? Bathing suits for dogs? Do people really buy those?? I had a good laugh and then seriously considered buying one to make my dog wear for fun, so ya I'm sure someone else is thinking the same thing. Don't worry I'm not gonna buy one lol.

Did you watch American Idol last night? We watched it, we figured we watched every other episode that there was no point in stopping just because one of our favorites didn't make it into the top two. I was holding my breath Tuesday hoping the rumors that Haley was going to have to replace Lauren were true, but no such luck. Out of the two finalists I'm glad Scotty won, even though he kinda bores me. He was after all MiniMe's choice for the win so I decided that as a good big sister I would cheer for him too. They had the show packed full of stars that's for sure, I was pretty impressed. Do they always have that many star performances on the finale?

Oh speaking of shows, I occasionally will watch "The Talk" which has that Julie girl who hosts Big Brother on it. Anyways they were talking about reality shows and kept dropping "Big brother" into the mix. Lol just a little free advertising. It made me excited to think about that starting again soon. I think the start of July? Pretty excited :)

Oh and did you know the dollar store sells ovulation predictor kits? I knew they sold pregnancy tests.. But ovulation kits? If they work I suppose that would be a he'll of a lot cheaper than buying the big name brands. In case your wondering I did not buy any. I thought about it. Technically we are still "not trying", so buying a kit would be more towards trying. I tell ya tho this not trying is pretty stressful, I'm constantly wondering if maybe we "accidentally" conceived again and secretly hoping we did. It's driving me nuts. I didn't temp this month (I did last month cause my body has been so screwy), I'm thinking of doing it again next month tho just to keep tabs on what's happening. I'm still not convinced everything is back to normal, but I can't really do anything cause if I were to tell the doctor she would probably laugh when I tell her were not really trying but it's just a hunch.

And so aside from the fact that my birthday is in 3 days I have nothing else to ramble about. So I will leave you with this picture of our dog stealing a drink out of Hubby's freshly pour glass of water. Haha she is sneaky like that, he sat down to pet her and when he was looking out the window she snuck a sip. Once she did it once he figured why stop her and I decided to take a pic lol.

Have a good weekend everyone :)

I can't sleep

It's 1:05 am and I'm laying here in bed awake. Wide awake.
I guess that's what I get for taking a nap today. I'm so bored right now! I've looked at all my regular sites I read, creeped almost everyone on my Facebook, caught up on all my blog reading... I even took a break and tried to sleep but nothing. Hubby and the dog are hogging the bed so that's not making this any easier. I've considered going downstairs but then what would I do? If I watched tv I probably would just wake hubby and he has to get up for work in a few hours, so not a good idea.
I don't even have anything substantial to blog about since I already did my weekly summary.
Well I guess I'm gonna start randomly googling things until I get tired. Hope everyone is having sweet dreams!