2ww crazies

It's that time; everywhere you look there's something you see referencing pregnancy, symptoms of all sorts make there appearance legit or not. It can make a girl feel crazy. Of course there's all the emotions attached to it as well, you get excited at every twinge only to later want to dig yourself a hole and hide while the storm clouds hang over your head. Why do we do this to ourselves? Why can't we just carry on like it's any other week?

Currently I am waiting to see my fate as the final few days of my 2ww pass. Do I think there's a chance I could be pregnant? Of course, I tell myself this every month. I'm sure I've mentioned before how despite hubby wanting us to just "see what happens" we often end up dancing* during my "fertile time". There's something about that week that makes hubby subconsciously more willing to dance. No complaints from me ;) And since my past few cycles have been a little wonky and made me wonder if I'm even ovulating regularly...so this past cycle I've started a bit of detective work to try and see what's up. I am fairly certain I indeed ovulated, so I guess time will tell. By Sunday at the latest I will have my answer, if AF is going to show her nasty face she could show as early as tomorrow. Of course if she does I will be upset, usually there's a moment of anger in there too, but I will have to remind myself we are not trying. We are not preventing but we are not trying.

But what does that really mean? Sometimes I worry that I won't get pregnant, and then when it's time to actually try it won't happen either...what if I am wasting all this time by "not trying", if there's something wrong doctors make you wait a year before they do anything about it. That's a long time, then add in whatever amount of time we waste by "not trying" ...*sigh*

Another side effect of the 2ww - anxious imagine the worst case anxiety.

I know I am not the only one eagerly waiting for a chance at a rainbow, cousin #2 is on cycle day 28 and most likely holding her breath. The metformin the doctor put her on shortened her cycle to 27days last month, so if we go by that she's a day late. So fingers crossed for for a sticky bfp for her. There's a part of me that not only wants my own bfp but for cousin#2 and I to be able to go thru this together. I want our babies to grow up together and have the type of relationship I didn't get the chance to have with her. In case you don't understand what I mean I only met cousin #2 four years ago. Of course I will be thrilled for her even if I'm not pg she's struggled for three years now.

Blog friends Maria and Diana are also waiting. I've been sending out lots of positive thoughts and prayers for everyone. One thing I find making it easier for me has been counting down the days for these ladies <3

Oh the 2ww crazies... Lol

Doesn't help that hubby is away tonight at a motley crue concert and I'm left here to think about everything without distraction. But at least I get to watch anything I want on tv ;)

Cirque du Soleil ~ Quidam

Horray!
Last night I went to Ottawa with my mom, Baby G, and the foster girl (random girl that lives at my moms now ever since Baby G brought her there). My mom had bought us all tickets for the Cirque du Soleil show for our birthdays :) it was soo cool. I only wish it was longer (cause 2 hours isn't long enough haha).

They didnt allow any sort of pictures to be taken, although Im sure I coulda got a few since I had my ipod and it doesnt have a flash but I didnt want to risk it. There were a few random flashes going off but security quickly found them and that was the end of that.

I did buy a program since I wanted a few pics to remember the night, and so I've scanned it into my computer to share with you :)

The German Wheel - one of my favourites; he got this thing spinning so fast

Boum Boum - I'm not sure about this guy, he showed up a few times and always seemed angry, almost evil

Diabolos - These girls were pretty cool, they had those spindles doing all sorts of moves

Aerial Contortion in silk - I love love love any act like this; this one was more artistic with not as many crazy moves

Aerial hoops - another fave; these girls were so cool to watch

Statue - a quiet slow moving act, the positions they were balanced in was unreal, we could see their abs shaking as they held each other in the poses

Cloud swing - this had some pretty moves as she swing thru the air on the cord

The Target- random in between act, fun to watch

This is one of the first scenes before the girl leaves home; the story is a little hard to follow

If you ever have the chance to see the show I highly recommend it! It was soo good :)

"A friend is one who knows us, but loves us anyway" ~unknown

So I had mentioned before that I was taking some time for myself, working on rebuilding a few relationships that had suffered the past few months. Before I could rebuild anything I also needed to determine which to rebuild and which to let go...

The year has been a tough one emotionally and mentally, and now that I am in a position to reflect and look back I can see that I withdrew from people a little. I became quieter, timid, somewhat reclusive. I did not have the energy to socialize with people, I did not want to hear their problems and didn't want to pretend to care. I stopped reaching out to people, no texting, less Facebook use, even less calling (which I didn't do much of to begin with).

And since I hadn't even really told many people about the miscarriage (which is what started but was not soley responsible for me feeling this way), many people did not even know what was going on. Everyone knew I had lost my job, but really who gets that upset about just a job, and so the support I really needed was not there. No one knew I needed it. There were a few people that knew, and while I felt supported at times I don't think they knew how bad I really felt. I also didn't tell them.{Thank you for all the support and encouragement everyone here has given, your kind words are always comforting}

So this past week I've been trying to decide who makes the cut. And by this I simply mean I'm no longer going to put any extra effort in to "friendships" that are not worth it, I am in no way going to shun anyone either but sometimes you have to realize when people are just not the best for you. I don't want to feel upset because someones turns their back when I need them...unfortunately this has happened these past few months before I started to withdraw on my own.

So I started calling people, and texting, and replying to the messages on Facebook that I never got back too, I have even hung out with a few of them. I'd love to tell you about each of them but other than Yankee, the others don't really have nicknames... So I'm digging deep for a few pics to share (everyone loves pics), this is proving difficult since I'm looking for pics that showcase their personalities a bit while not giving away their identities... I'm gonna have to think up names for them at some point lol.

Me and Yankee Sumo style

Cousin#2

Myself and (a very pregnant) highschool friend of mine at my wedding

Skinny Bitch :) haha she probably one of the smallest people I've ever met (for the record she eats A LOT)

MOH - dressed in costume for the Beastie Boys concert

The fabulous Miss K (my shutterbug buddy)

 And now that I'm looking at these pictures I've come to realize that these are infact the ones who knew what was going on. They knew the whole story, and they were there when I called on them.

" A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out"~unknown

{I have been trying to write this post for almost a week now and couldnt figure out what I wanted to say, it took a few attempts. While writing it I saw this post by Little Miss Momma as she wrote about friendship this week too. I like what she wrote here so I'm quoting part of her post below }
  
"You know the one.
The friend that you can go a year without talking to
and then when you see each other its as if no time has passed at all.
You still complete each others sentences,
you still laugh at the same jokes
and you still make each other smile.

Because this kind of friendship is timeless.
This kind of friendship reminds you of a version of yourself you sometimes forget."

It makes me happy to be able to say I have these kinds of friends 

 

Hubby

I have decided I should tell you some things about Hubby, he is a reoccurring person in this blog and kinda a big deal in my life ;)

The first time I saw him I pretty much fell in love; as in he pretty much moved in slow motion as he walked across the parking lot and yard to the res building. Kinda like something from a movie lol. His blue eyes were striking and noticeable from a distance and I had this feeling inside me that made me want/need to know who he was - which I might add was a challenging task. It took him almost four weeks to notice me (sometimes he pretends he noticed me sooner), and took nothing short of me and a friend knocking on his door (after having a few drinks for courage) wearing a low cut v neck shirt and my trusty boobalicious cleavage bra ;) asking him, his roommate and friends how our outfits looked. That night cupids arrow had finally hit him and we've been inseparable ever since.

And no I am not ashamed to say I practically hunted and seduced my husband with a great pushup bra.

He plays music by ear and is good at practically any sport (at least any sport I've seen him play). I love listening to him play his acoustic guitar, it's one of my favourite sounds (acoustic guitar) and I think he is much more talented than he gives himself credit for.

He is a plumber/pipe fitter. No he doesn't let his crack hang out, and he does more than unplug toilets. His job is so much more, and I am so proud of him for finding this path and all he's accomplished. Who woulda knew that the blue eye cutie wearing the backwards ball cap, unbuttoned dress shirt, hoops in his ears (and nipples) would grow up to be such a manly man ;). Personally I think he's the best of both worlds, rugged and manly but cleans up real nice too. oh and during this transformation to becoming a manly man he ditched all the hoops lol.

The leg lift was his idea in this pic and he's proud of it

He's not much of a talker, about feelings that is. But every now and then he opens up, sometimes it's only a sentence, but when he does I know it's something that matters.

He's kinda a fighter, not physically (although I'm sure when he was younger...) but verbally. When he doesn't agree, or something has upset him or made him mad. Sometimes it embarrasses me (road rage), and others I secretly love his passion about things. I get a cheap thrill from our arguments, we kinda are perfect for each other that way, I like to hash it out, yell a little, pick a fight and argue so it seems fitting that I have married someone who will fight with me and love me at the same time.

He chews his nails. A lot. Like seriously a lot. So much that there have been times where his nail beds have been half the size they are supposed to be. It makes me cringe, it's kinda gross, and sometimes plain annoying. But I love him still despite this flaw. I am pleased to add that he recently has been doing an amazing job at not chewing his left hand... Those poor little guys on the right haven't escaped yet.

He does his own laundry.

He is Italian (half) and has a lot of family. I remember the first time I met most of them, it was the day after boxing day and as we pulled up to this big house with all the fancy expensive looking cars and I wondered what I had gotten myself into. I envisioned a scene from some Italian mobsters movie. Well I was close, there were lots of cousins, and aunts and uncles inside that house, lots of food, and lots of wine. It was loud, and kind of crazy compared to my quiet reserved family and I loved it.- Oh and no they are not mobsters lol.

He has two older brothers and a younger sister. His parents are divorced and his father is set to remarry, his future stepmother has children of her own; two sons, and two daughters. So between the two of us that brings our total sibling count to five brothers and eight sisters with two sister in laws.

He puts up with my randomness, and my frequent habit of leaving a task unfinished while I begin a new one, and loves me even when sometimes I might not always be the easiest to love.

He didn't kick me out when I brought home the dog he told me not too.. and I quote his words were "if you get a dog you are outta here, I mean it" - He loves our dog too much ;)

He supported me at a time in my life when my world got completely turned around; when my bio dad reached out and made contact. This was a stressful time for me, which meant a stressful time for us, but he stuck it out and was supportive while being cautiously protective.

He is my soul mate.  Yes I believe in that sorta things <3


"There's something about the look in your eyes
Something I noticed when the light was just right
It reminded me twice that I was alive
And it reminded me that you're so worth the fight.."
Echo - Incubus

Big Brother 13 Countdown is on :)

Only 15 more days until Big Brother 13

After fighting it for 11 seasons I finally caved last year and developed a love for this show. Some close friends and family offered us a spot in their BB pool, the buy in was $10, first person out gets their money back and the winner takes the rest.

Well last year I was  Andrew ... didn't make it too far but it was still fun watching the rest of the season. I've been searching youtube today looking for videos to recap and get me ready for this season and here is what Ive found so far :)

Im So excited :) :) :)               

Hockey Riots, and Misc thoughts

I know I am late with this one... I coulda and probably shoulda just blogged about it the morning after but I got caught up in a few different things. So because it obviously is late I'm not going to say all the things I originally would have said about the riot that occurred after Vancouver lost the Stanely Cup.

I will say as a Canadian I am appalled by the behaviour that took place. I know many have said that despite wearing hockey jerseys these people were not true fans but instead rowdy drinkers who were looking to cause a scene that night. I agree this is possible since I live in a city thats well known University has become famous for its newsworthy annual homecoming street party, a party that forms facebook groups designed for planning the mischief that is caused (think burning cars etc).  Despite who it was, it was embarrassing to have it discussed on talk shows, gossip blogs and practically every news station and newspaper on this continent (possibly further).

I will also say that this picture amused me... it was one of the first I saw the morning after and has since been noticed by practically everyone. The couple is riding their 15minutes of fame and even providing interviews...
 

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I feel like this past week or so has been busy for me. I'm not sure what it is that has been keeping me busy so it could just be all in my mind. I've been trying to slow down and trying to work through some feelings that I know are poisoning my mind (so to speak). I don't like that I feel like I'm angry so much lately and so I'm trying to focus on me, and all the little things that I enjoy and love. I'm trying to take steps to rebuild relationships that have been suffering these past few months, but to do that I need to also decide which ones should be rebuilt and which ones should be let go (more on that later).

On Wednesday I went to an old friends house. She lives on one of the islands nearby, but used to be my neighbour as a child. We grew apart a bit as we entered high school (different groups of friends combined with her moving as her parents divorced), in the past I would say 5 years we have been talking casual over facebook and since her moving closer to me we have been saying "we need to get together" over and over again. Now we finally have, twice actually in the past two months. It's interesting to me how we can go so long, and grow so far apart to only come back together and be as if we never missed a thing. We talk for HOURS, and not just catching up, we talk about memories, stuff we missed, stuff thats going on now, the conversation just naturally changes and we don't hold anything back. Its really comforting, especially with everything else that's gone on these past few months. 

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Yesterday was fathers day... not really a day that has had much of a significance in my life. It still is not really a day I do too much for, and so yesterday I sent a text message to my step dad, and one to my bio dad wishing a happy fathers day. That's all. No cards this year or special dinners, I'm sure they both were celebrating the day with their daughters and my words were probably just a sweet afterthought added to their day. In the past I have gotten my step dad a card and joined them for dinner, but this year I was also working which I didn't mind.

And so when I got home from work I made Hubby and I a most delicious dinner :) I was quite proud of myself, and proud of hubby for eating most of his lobster tail (when we met he wouldn't eat anything that had lived in water)

My homemade surf and turf dinner - Lobster tails, shrimp, steak, and Caesar salad - yumm :)

Wrong number

Someone called me today (I forget where she said she was from) to wish me congratulations on the arrival of my new baby boy.... ?

The conversation went some thing like this:

Me: hello
Lady: Hi (all cheerful) I'm "name" calling from "wherever"
Me: ummm ok?
Lady: I'm just calling to congratulate and see how things are going with you and your new baby?
Me: ummm you have the wrong number
Lady: is this not 1234567? (my number)
Me: ya that's my number
Lady: so you didn't just have a baby boy?
Me: no I have not just had a baby (getting slightly irritated that she still thinks I'm who she's trying to congratulate)
Lady: have you had a baby recently?
Me: NO. I do not have any children
Lady: oh well I must have the wrong number then.

YOU THINK?? Seriously? Me saying she had the wrong number in the first place should have been the her first clue.

So after having the days I had this week already this is the phone call I get today. Really?
I was nice but seriously irritated and could have done without that call. I guess it coulda been worse, she coulda called yesterday.

I'm not a horrible person

I know that I'm not, but I can't help but feel like one right now... Hubby's girl cousin apparently announced she is pregnant. I was/am devastated, when I found out I was in the middle of orientation for my new job. I wanted to cry but I couldn't, I wanted to puke from all the knots in my stomach. I was angry, and sad, and ... Well I suppose jealous.

I know I will be happy for her at some point...right? I feel bad that I'm not happy now. But I'm not. Not even a little bit. I'm still upset right now, and I'm not even sure how to make this feeling go away. I would be fine if I didn't have to see her for a while, so that way I don't have to try to pretend to be happy.

And since I feel so bad for feeling this way I almost don't even want to post this, because if I post it then it's real. I will have admitted to someone that the truth.

In fact I found out 3 people were pregnant today. But of the 3 girl cousin is the one that makes me mad. The other two only make me sad and jealous.

I don't know what else to even say right now... And so I won't.


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On a separate note I have been MIA the past week with everything that's been going on with hubby's brother, and trying to put into words some things that have been bothering me. I have written 3 blog posts that I will be posting soon. Finding the right words has been difficult.

I did take some time to start redecorating my blog. I can not figure out how to center my header...it's really bothering me, I found two different sets of directions but still no luck.
Any help with that would be appreciated.

I'm not really a horrible person.

V

Quiet Night

Tonight the mood around here is pretty low.
I am doing my best to just stay away from Hubby while trying to be around "just enough".
The reason for this is because one of his older brothers is currently being held at his hometown hospital on the phsychiatry unit. His mom called today (or shall i say texted us, then called)with the news. He was admitted late last night after an intervention held by their dad, mom, and stepmom.
Apparently his depression that has been affecting him since the fall is gettng much worse and turning into violet obsessions. I think this really bothers Hubby, this is his older brother, the best man at our wedding; they generally are pretty close. Hubby requires space when trying to deal with certain situations, if I were to linger around etc it would result in us getting into arguements initiated by him. It's how he deals with tough situations, so I keep a distance while occasionally doing something nice like while refilling my glass of water refil his without talking etc.
When he's ready to talk about it he will, and this way the talking will happen sooner than if I tried to push it or hang around. Basically a cool down time. But this time I also don't know if he will want to talk about it. He has been having a hard time from the start accepting that his brother actually has something wrong with him, that it's not possible to fix it by giving him a stern talking to and ass kicking. He doesn't understand the concept of mental illness. He in a way thinks that his bro is behaving this way for attention. I have mixed feelings about what's actually going on, I feel that while their are definite moments where the behavior seems attention seeking there is also a lot of it that is disturbing. For instance it really disturbs me that he claims to want to hurt random strangers. Apparently they are thinking it's possible he has aggressive OCD or schizophrenia.
How do you help someone deal with the reality of something they don't believe in? I've even tried to explain as a nurse the medical explanation of mental illness, it still doesn't work. Hubby still feels like people allow themselves to be depressed. I don't think he can help it, he's not the only one in his family that feels similar thoughts. There is the mentality of I'm this way and therefore you are too. As in I get sad and deal with it, therefore you should be able to.
I hope someone calls with an update or something soon because right now the atmosphere feels like we are waiting for something to happen.

I know I'm slightly random at times

I was just looking at my blog and decided that it is a mess. A random mess. I apologize for that but I can partially explain, first of all I am generally on a day to day basis fairly random, the things I do, the things I think, all random. It is one of my qualities that can rub Hubby the wrong way at times, it's also a quality I think keeps things interesting ;)

I feel the need to share this with you so that you do not think I am someone struggling to find a blog identity. I've noticed as I've browsed other blogs a lot seem to focus on a main topic. I started this blog to give myself an outlet, an outlet for all the different emotions and thoughts I have. In-between the difficult stuff I write about the fun things, simply because I do not know if i could even read a blog that only had troubled thoughts. Plus I usually am an optimistic person, I have heard the phrase "your always smiling" many times :)

Last night I saw the movies Bridesmaids with MOH and the rest of the bridal party. It was such a cute movie, and really funny too. There were a few moments in it that hit a little close to home for me (it's supposed to be a comedy), one line in particular was said "This pity party is over" - combined with some of the other dialogue it made me think. I've been feeling pretty low lately and I just can't seem to shake it, I've been holding back about blogging these things but I've decided I am just going to get it over with. Blogging after all has made me feel much better when dealing with other things, for instance the miscarriage. I felt like a weight had been lifted as soon as I wrote about it. I have decided that in an effort to move forward I will try this outlet again and see if it is the missing piece. So maybe not today or tomorrow but very shortly once I figure out a way to get it all out without seeming like a total rant I will.

So thank you in advance

<3